What do you do when a friend is in a tough spot? (Miscarriage. Morning Sickness. Military deployment. Lost job. Recovering from new baby. Death in the family. Bad day. Etc.)
If you are like most people, you will call up or send a text or write on his/her facebook wall, “Let me know if I can do anything to help.”
If you’re a little more action-oriented, you’ll say, “Can I do anything to help?“
Your friend replies, “Will do” or “I’ll let you know.” But then – they DON’T. Because it’s tough to ask for specific help when you’re hurting, in part because you don’t even know what to ask for.
Someone once said to me, “If you ever find yourself in a situation where you don’t know what to do to help someone, do SOMETHING.” I’ve been trying to get better about this.
Here are four fail-safe ways to bring some sunshine to a friend’s rainy spirits -
1. Deliver a meal. I am convinced that food is a relationship-builder and a wound-healer. How many illnesses and frustrations have been cured by a happy dinner table or a delicious dessert? Many. Drop by with a tray of chicken enchiladas, a pot of spaghetti and some bread sticks, or a hearty vegetable lasagna. If you don’t have the time to make from scratch, there’s no shame at all in ordering take-out or stopping in at a meal prep place. If you don’t have the budget to do a whole meal, bring 1 simple dish (pasta salad, a basket of fruit, or a loaf of bread).
2. Write a note. Pick up a funny, sentimental, musical, or giant card (Have you seen those? So cool!) at Hallmark. Or make one yourself. Not sure what to say? How about “I’m thinking of you,” paired with a genuine compliment or a warm wish. You don’t have to be poetic. Just put a stamp on it and send your heart.
3. Just say it. Speaking of compliments, never underestimate the power of words. I know I’ve had entire days ruined by mean words. On the flip side, I’ve had entire days brightened by a single sentence. Mother Teresa’s quote is truer than true, ”kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.”
4. Give a [small] gift. No need to spend a lot of money. Even the tiniest thing will show you care. A box of homemade cookies. A chocolate bar. A packet of seeds. A necklace charm. A bunch of wild flowers. A pair of slippers. A stationary set. A hardbound journal. Anything will do.
On a related note: I’ve been working on a rockin’ gift guide over at Give Every Day. It’s not even close to being done yet, but you’re welcome to take a peek. The ideas are all unique and often handmade. You can search by recipient or occasion. Let me know what you think…
What do you do when a friend is in a tough spot? What meals do you think are the easiest to make and/or deliver?
Stephanie – I love this! I have so many friends going through all kinds of different things right now and I’m tired of volunteering my help, only to get no response. I’m going to be more proactive and instead of just asking, I’m determined to start doing! Thanks!
(One of my go-to meals is the Campbell’s creamy chicken enchiladas…so easy and so yummy!)
I recently realized that I am that person who feels the need to feed people when crisis hits. It seems like I’m always making a meal for someone who needs one these days. Sometimes I feel like I should just start a service for anyone who doesn’t feel like cooking or doesn’t have time, but I guess that’s what restaurants are for. I think one of the easiest things to make and deliver is pasta. It’s cheap to make, it’s comforting and is so easy. Lasagna is my favorite thing to deliver to people who aren’t expecting it. You can put it together, but don’t have to cook it before delivery. I just write the oven temp and time on top of the container and they can have a fresh homemade meal whenever they’re ready for it. I always try to take a loaf of homemade bread too.
Based on my recent experience staying with my in-laws while my Hubby’s Grandma died, I’m bringing breakfast next time a friend has a crisis in the family. Donuts and fruit and a gallon of orange juice would be easy and fairly cheap, or homemade waffles that could be easily reheated would be awesome too. There were definitely some days (like the day of the funeral) that I didn’t get any breakfast!
Oh, breakfast is a great idea! And often forgotten, I think, in the crisis food parade. Bagels and cream cheese are easy enough too.
Thank you for adding your great idea! What better way to show you care than w/ a yummy breakfast? And so easy for the giver too! Bagels, donuts, bananas, homemade bread, muffins, and/or bread are all wonderful options.
My SIL recently told me about some bad stuff that’s going on in her life that she’s trying to keep on the down low from the rest of the family. I told her to call me whenever she need to unload, but I feel like I need to be doing more. This was a good reminder for me to do something, anything, instead of thinking she’ll make the first move. (She lives about five hours away or I would for sure be taking over cookies and dinner!!)
You could mail cookies! I used to do that every once-in-awhile…and the cookies typically made it to their destination intact and still edible. :)
Very good tips. Food is a great relationship builder. Anytime I can help I will usually try to butter someone up with food. I miss my dear neighbor. We both have large families and would take the load off eachother when things seemed rough just by cooking for eachothers households. Great article with great tips.
Someday I hope to have neighbors exactly like that (and to BE a neighbor exactly like that). ;)
I have been on the receiving end of such kindness twice. The first time is when we came home from China after adopting Isa. We were sooo jetlagged. Night was day, day was night! We were so tired and out-of-sorts and busy caring for our new daughter, that cooking was beyond my ability. One of my favorite gestures from friends was a huge bowl of tortellini salad, filled with crisp veggies. Cold, it was lunch. Warmed up, it was dinner. I could just scoop out as much as I wanted. It was such a yummy, healthy meal, and I never tired of it lo, the many days I ate it!
The other time, was after C’s mountain biking accident. Then I had two little ones, and I am forever thankful for the help I got from friends who pitched in to care for the girls those first 36 hours while I was shuttling back and forth from the hospital until my father-in-law could arrive from out-of-state. And his help was priceless too. As someone who had been through the medical maze of hospitals and surgeries and insurance with my mother-in-law for years, he was so helpful in getting questions answered when I was at my wit’s end.
Often, in a crisis, you are dealing only with the immediate needs, and it is difficult to think of anything else, so when someone comes up to you and says, “How can I help?” you feel thankful, but your mind is blank. With C’s accident, I eventually would try to find a quiet moment to jot down specific things that people could do for me, so when they did ask, I was ready!
So now, I keep this in mind when I offer help to someone in need. I try to focus on what *I* can do to help, such as watch the kids, cook a meal, or mow the lawn, and just present it as, “I’d like to invite the kids over to play. Would all day Saturday work?” Or, “I’m running to the grocery store, read me your list.”
I think a great gift, something that a group of friends could get together on because of the cost, is to hire a housecleaner for a session. I had C’s colleagues offer to clean the house, but I didn’t feel comfortable with that. However, had they pitched in to pay for a cleaning session, I would have loved it!
I think specific offers like the ones you mentioned are the very best!
I also love your idea about hiring a housecleaner during a time of need. Sometimes I’ve heard people say that they have offered to do laundry, scrub the bathrooms, and/or wash the dishes for friends. While that it a very generous (and kind) offer, I never feel comfortable with that sort of thing. It just feels awkward to have a friend folding your underwear or leaning over your toilet.
YES! I agree times 1000. I NEVER speak up to say when I need help, but I greatly appreciated my friends who took the initiative and made a meal or treat or wrote a note after my miscarriages and when my son was in the NICU. Instead of saying “what can I do?” say “I’d like to make dinner for you this week (or I AM making dinner for you this week), what day works better, Mon or Tues?”
These are great ideas. I try and do many of these. I try and think about how I would want people to treat me before I act. Our family has gone through some tough times and I have had people offer to help but I almost never get back to them. I find it really IS better to just stop over with a meal or call and say “I want to bring a meal this week. What night works best for you?” One of my favorite meals to make is a crockpot chicken with a side dish of rice and vegetables and a dessert.
I love this post! I would love to have someone just do, instead of ask, because I am the type to rarely accept an invite for help. But if you just came by and did, I would allow such a blessing and be grateful. Good ideas, Steph!
Nell
I love love love to do things like this for people. I love to help out my close friends with hot meals or babysitting and am very direct when I *tell* them that I want to take their kids or I am bringing them dinner. With those I do not know as well and see that they are hurting or in need (like on a facebook status or such) I go to Trader Joe’s and pack up a bag full of fun/easy non-perishable foods for both the kiddos (microwaveable mac n cheese packets, gummie fruit snacks), mommies (dark chocolate covered pretzels), and daddies (a fun different kinds of ale or beer, or a bag of chips) and put it on their doorstep. I also usually throw in a DVD, coloring books, stickers…something to distract the kiddos for the parent in need. I on the other hand, am not usually on the receiving end of such things, sometimes I wish I was. I love your blog :)
Your Trader Joe’s idea is fantastic! I had a friend do something similar for me after I had baby #2. She gave me a bag from TJ’s with spaghetti noodles, sauce, cookies, and a few other goodies. I will never forget her thoughtfulness.
I ove this post. I always make a conscious effort to say “I’m going to bring you dinner/coffee/etc. When would be a good time?” Because “Let me know what I can do” just doesn’t cut it most of the time.
I have to agree that when you go thru difficult times, it is so very hard to ask for help. Sometimes the person going thru the difficulty doesn’t really know what to ask for by way of help. But, I can tell you a huge help for me has been when someone offers to watch my girls so I can take care of whatever I need to.
what a great post…i think sometimes we just can’t think of anything that will be useful on the spot…but this is so right on. a meal, a card or a giftcard can really help out in times of need!
btw…thank you so much for the note about your husband’s position. Andy and I have actually made some plans…they’ll be announced soon! :)
Don’t leave us in suspense too long! I can’t wait to hear all about your “plans.” If I know you, you’ll announce something glamourous, spectacular, and extraordinary… :)
SO TRUE! When it was “my turn” to accept help it was best when people just showed up with food, babysitting or just to chat. Loved it & I have tried to be the same way.
Never said anything about your upcoming adventure – but good luck! It sounds like a fantastic thing for your family & for so many others.
Thank you for your warm wishes, Ashlynn! Are you in Utah? Perhaps we’ll have an opportunity to meet up…
Very true–and I like the point about not taking full meals. Right after E was born we got a lot of meals brought to us, (and we were very grateful!!), but they were mostly casseroles, and got a lot the same after a week of them. Then my grandma brought over a loaf of fresh bread and a HUGE bag of chocolate chip cookies–total lifesaver to have easy and delicious snack material! :)
An excellent point! Fresh baked goods, a delicious dessert, or a bagful of snacks can be just as welcome as a full meal…especially for new parents. I was so grateful for quick + easy snacks that I could pick up and eat one-handed (or in the middle of the night) during those first few months postpartum.
I usually have them over for lunch or coffee and we talk. Often I may make some home made muffins.When you talk, you halve a problem and just listening really helps, I find.
What is the status of your move Stephanie? I thought it already happened…but was happy to find this site intact again!
Cece
Thanks for asking about the status of our new adventure, Cece. I need to write a post about that soon.
In A Nutshell: Our house is on the market. We recently sold our jeep. We are selling (and giving away) books, toys, clothes, furniture, and electronics every day. We hope to get on the road right around the New Year. You can follow our family’s journey at http://giveeveryday.com/.
Give Every Day will serve as a “hub” for the journey (where we’re going, what we’re doing, who we’re partnering with, how people can get involved, etc.). Metropolitan Mama will also remain active. :)
I love this! I often wonder what I can do – these are some great options!
And on the other hand, be the person who says “Yes” when asked “Is there anything I can do for you?” If you do need something, or you know someone wants to help you out, don’t be afraid to accept!
Fantastic options. Most of them can be done from far away as well. Most of my friends live far away, since we’ve moved so often. I find that when something happens, my first (old-fashioned, I admit) instinct is to make a meal and send a snail-mail card. But if they’re far away and I can’t be physically there, I tend to turn towards knitting and sending handmade gifts or cards and LOTS of prayer. So practical – thank you for writing this.
I know right now I would just BAWL if someone did this for me (the meals!) morning sickness just consumes your life when it is this severe!!
I empathize, Vanessa. Morning sickness is miserable. I hope it lessens up for you soon now that you’re in your 2nd trimester. Do you still feel it all day?
Maybe you could subtly link to this post on Facebook for your friends + family to see. ;)
Or this one: http://metropolitanmama.net/2009/02/how-to-help-a-friend-who-has-morning-sickness/.
This is great, Stephanie! Food (without asking!) definitely topped my list when we were in the hospital (each time) with our little ones. A latte or hot chocolate from a coffee shop were my favorites. Also gift certificates to restaurants within walking distance of the hospital were great if it was difficult to store or heat up already-made food. And, if it’s a close enough friend/family member, it was awesome when someone volunteered to stay with my child for 30 minutes while I ran home to take a shower and change clothes. If it was someone I trusted, I knew they would call me with any little update or decision that needed to be made.
Still getting used to finding the comments button at the TOP of the post! :)
I usually bring a meal – my favorite to bring is stuffed shells with bread and a salad… possibly cookies for dessert… but this week I’m going to try a 4 cheese Mac & Cheese dish stuffed with ham and peas. Going out on a limb! :) Who knows… maybe they will hate it! :) I hope the cookies will make up for it! haha
Other ideas all great as well!! :)
This is such a great post! One of my *favorite* things to do is to help people like this! As you mentioned, making a meal for someone is SUCH a blessing and such a simple gift to provide for someone. I also like to offer babysitting for friends with little ones and if possible to provide a gift certificate to somewhere practical. Most often times I make meals for people though. I have done everything from pasta dishes to large salads with grilled chicken that they can assemble themselves. My chicken enchiladas are so easy to prepare and once delivered, they simply need to be baked for 30 minutes so the recipient can eat them whenever they are ready too. I have also delivered tortilla soup with all the fixins’ to go on top. All easy, delicious, hearty meals. I usually include a little card with it, or the recipe, or a ‘coupon’ for babysitting. It brings me so much joy to be able to help in these ways. Thanks for the reminder!