Two months before my wedding date in January 2002, I started taking The Pill.
I don’t remember feeling particularly conflicted about it. Most everyone I knew was on it. The OB/GYN at the college health clinic handed me a script without blinking; she probably wrote dozens a day.
The tiny discs of pastel pills promised confidence – 99% “effectiveness.” I took it for four years (said with a whisper).
Looking back, I wish that I…hadn’t.
I didn’t have any scary side effects (not even the weight gain that some friends warned me about). Nor did I have trouble getting pregnant afterward (I got pregnant within a month of stopping). BUT – something inside of me just isn’t okay with messing with the chemistry of my body like that.
[I also don't think the Pill is as safe as people make it out to be].
I haven’t been on any hormonal birth control since the birth of my first daughter. I don’t ever want to be on it again. We plan to look into Natural Family Planning for in between babies. For now, we use artificial contraception.
But what about when we’re “done”? You know – done, DONE. (Will we ever be “done”? How will we know? Will we want to make it final?) I used to think, “Sure. Tim will go in get the surgery. The end.” Right? It’s so…effective.
But we’re rethinking that. How does one reconcile the beauty of modern medicine with trust in God? Don’t get me wrong – I’m not the kind of person who doesn’t go to the doctor. I think it’s awesome that people can get vaccines and heart transplants and all of that. I’m grateful that women have options now for giving grace to their bodies (I can’t even imagine being pregnant every year for the entirety of my childbearing years).
But I also wonder if birth control has taken something away from us. Hope? Trust? Sacrifice? The beauty of bigger families and saying “yes” to…life.
This post isn’t mean to be an answer. It’s meant to be a question and a discussion starter. Because these issues weigh heavily on my mind (and in my prayers).
What kind of birth control do you use and why?
* Photos are from our 2002 honeymoon cruise.
can I just say that I think we’d be friends? :)
Ryan and I started taking NFP classes a couple of months before we got married, and that is all we have ever used. Everyone bawks at it and makes fun of it, but it works if you are willing to be committed to it. We were married for 4 years before we decided to have children, and then got pregnant the first time we tried.
We took our classes while living in Boston, but St. Joseph’s Hospital teaches the classes here in town. I would actually really like to become certified someday to teach it as well.
I think we would definitely be friends. :)
I wish Tim & I had taken NFP classes BEFORE we were married…or at least before we had kids. We’d like to know more about it now, but it’s hard to sneak away for a class because we have two little ones.
Maybe you should become certified and specifically create a class for parents who ALREADY have kids? We’d sign up (if we were in Tucson, that is).
Oh friend, I battled the very same issue recently! My husband and I have recently decided to rely more on God and ask Him how many children we should have. I have not been on birth control except for a short 6-month period years ago and I hated it, refusing to be on it since. My body works great, my cycles are very regular…. I don’t want to mess with that. We do natural family planning and artificial contraception, but we have also recently been examining our motives for not wanting more children. Is it because we’re going through a rough patch in our marriage? Is it because my husband was laid off and is out of work? Is it because I have health problems and cannot risk being pregnant right now? No, it was none of those things. We didn’t want more than two children because we wanted our two to have more. More of what? More love, more community, more of a sense of giving and sharing, more of a relationship with God? No….. we wanted them to have more extras. More toys. More extracurricular activities. More clothes. All superficial things, and God recently convicted us and showed us how selfish we were being…… preventing more lives from coming into this world all because we want our kids to be in more sports or whatever? I can’t even believe myself.
So we are trusting God with our family size. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t think big families are for everyone, these are just our convictions……. and now although the circumstances are not ideal for bringing another baby into our family (we’re not very well off financially……surviving, but not much wiggle room…. and I’m 7 weeks pregnant with our third), we serve a BIG God who we know will provide for any wonderful children He gives to us.
We live in a day and age and society where we don’t have to trust God. We don’t have to trust Him for our daily bread, because we have 6 loaves in the freezer for later. We don’t have to trust Him for shelter because we pay for spacious homes we think we need, and we have the money to do so most of the time. We don’t have to trust God with our family size, because there is birth control, so we take control of it ourselves. So it’s easy to take matters into our own hands….. but examining our motives for limiting our family size can play a key role in knowing God’s heart for your family.
My aunt and uncle made an appointment for my uncle to get a vasectomy after they had three children, but before their appointment, God grabbed their attention and said, “Did you ask me? Did you ask what I want for you, since I know you best?” They ended up with eight wonderful children after praying and deciding to trust God with their family size.
And children are the only blessing we ask God to limit. We ask for financial blessing, but we don’t say “Oh, and Lord, please don’t give me more than $30,000. I don’t think I could handle more than that.”
There are legitimate reasons for birth control, or for limiting family size, or waiting on kids, or whatever….. my sister is in one of those situations right now. I KNOW those situations are there, and we must not be foolish with the wisdom and discernment God gave us. But once again, examining our motives can be very eye-opening.
This is such a personal decision…. My comment is way too long, and you can feel free to delete it (this is a very controversial subject and my comment will likely stir things up), I just wanted to say these things. I love children and big families, I hope to have a big family, but this is very personal. Ask God, He always has the answer.
I had an aversion to The Pill for a few years before I got married. I saw so many friends struggle to get pregnant, and I was convinced that hormonal birth control (pill, shots, patch, etc) was the primary culprit. So we used condoms and spermicide and sometimes both. 3 years into TTC, I realize hormonal birth control isn’t the “only” reason for infertility issues. However, knowing what I know now, I still would make the same decision. I never liked the idea of “messing with my hormones” either. There are side effects to this decision of course….harder cramping as the years go by as well as a heavier flow, but I am still not sorry. Since I was a teenager, I was thankful for the process because I knew that it meant that I could have children. I hold on to that, and I know that body it doing what it was made to do, and WILL DO the next step of what it was made to do in God’s timing.
I started on the Pill a few months before our wedding too – we both made the decision to stop using it a couple of months after because my emotional/mental health was just so out of whack. I would cry for days; moody, depressed…it wasn’t me…it wasn’t the girl my husband married. We were both worried but the doctor wanted to put me on antidepressants/anti-anxiety. You know what? A week after coming off the Pill, I was fine…and have been ever since!
One of the families here at Teen Ranch use NFP – they have 4 children…all of them conceived/born exactly when the family was ready for the next baby.
Yep, as always, you lay it out so well. I struggle with all this. I did the pill for a few months when we first got married; I didn’t like the side effects and I didn’t like the IDEA of it – putting chemicals into my body. So I stopped. We used artificial contraception for a while and then eventually NFP, but I didn’t do it all the way. I didn’t take my temp and all that. I just watched the calendar. Which is how we ended up with my 3rd, lol. It isn’t fool proof (but then, nothing is.)
I was DELIGHTED to tell my husband to have surgery after our 3rd. I do share your struggles and convictions about that, but for us, after years of watching the calendar and abstaining at the time of the month that I was the most, ahem, interested in being together, it was so freeing to just be able to be together. Our relationship has never been stronger.
As far as knowing we were done, I had such miserable pregnancies and my health was so bad after #3 that I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that we were done. The whole time I was pregnant, I got through it by promising myself that I’d never have to do it again. My body couldn’t handle any more, or so I believed at the time.
Now, with a better diet, perhaps I could, but I didn’t know that then, and I am content with our family of 5.
From an intellectual perspective, I share your concerns with the implications of birth control and the trust in God, but down deep inside I have peace with our choice.
Thanks for the kind words, Jo-Lynne.
You make good points. I can imagine that it would be very freeing to just…ahem…”be together” without distraction.
I had TERRIBLE morning sickness for both of my pregnancies and I didn’t enjoy being pregnant at all. And yet – Tim & I both don’t feel “done.” I sometimes wonder if we’ll ever feel that. (I sort of hope so – getting pregnant off-and-on again for the next decade doesn’t sound particularly appealing. But then again? Who am I to make those judgments? Am I being selfish? Or wise? See how confusing this whole thing is…). ;)
I am on the birth control pill and have been for about 4 years. My story is probably vastly different from most of your readers. I got pregnant when I was 16 and had my daughter when I was 17 (a junior in high school). Because of my circumstances I had to be on the pill to prevent any other pregnancies. I was accepted to a small private college with a program for single parents and 1 strict stipulation was that we could only have one child. If we got pregnant again, we’d be taken out of the program.
I have nothing morally against birth control because in some situations there is no room for “what ifs” or “hopefully nots.” however, in the next few years when I can plan on having more little ones, I can see myself not going back on birth control.
We used the Fertility Awareness Method (basically NFP) and have really loved it. I think some people look at us with two only 17 months apart and they laugh, but… it was intentional. Or at least not intentionally prevented. I am ALL for natural forms of birth control. I think it creates an awareness of your body that is just HEALTHY, as well as interesting. I am more and more amazed than ever at the miracle of conception and . I love the communication it created between me and my husband. Our decision to have kids (or not) is very joint and is revisited every month.
That said, I am leaning more towards “permanent” measures once we are done. I just don’t know when that will be. And HOW do you know?! It does seem so permanent, so final, and a decision that can’t be made lightly. But I am grateful for, as you said, “giving grace” to our bodies. We’ll see what the future holds. I have a while to think about it tho, since I haven’t even hit 30 yet!
What exactly is the difference between FAM and NFP? I need to study these things (But when? That is my primary dilemma).
I also wonder about the “How do you know…?” question. I sincerely hope that one day it’s just unquestionably clear to both of us. Is that how it happens?
The only difference is that FAM is secular, so Toni Weschler (author of “Taking Charge of Your Fertility”) is fine with people using barrier contraceptives during their fertile phase. NFP is general promoted by the Catholic Church, so they require abstaining during your fertile phase. The 3 signs are the same, though (BBT, CM, CP).
The end of my Why Didn’t Anyone Tell Me? series is much like this post. ;) I’ve never been on the pill, but we did try artificial contraception for the first few months of marriage. My body reacted horribly to the chemicals and let’s just say our intimate relationship got off to a really (REALLY) rocky start. We turned to NFP to deal with infertility issues, and it was the best thing ever!
We *think* we’re done now, but we’re in the “camp” that says it’s not our job to turn our fertility off and on. How can we beg God for 3 years to send us a baby and then tell him “Ok, thanks. We’re done now. Don’t need you for that anymore.” Not judging anyone else’s decisions, just sharing our heart.
I took the pill for about 8 years…yes you read that right. I didn’t have any of the side effects I had heard about while on the pill and really during that time never even questioned the pill.
I was told I had poly cystic ovarian syndrome when I was in high school. During that time (I believe it still is now) the answer to pcos was to take the pill. One of the signs of pcos can be irregular periods and to fix that you give something that will just about guarantee a regular cycle. I never questioned this, and just did as the doctor told me to do.
A few years into being married and we decided we were ready to have children. 2 years of trying and we finally were pregnant. But during this time I was led to the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility (excellent book with lots of detail). This book totally changed the way I looked at my body and taught me things I had no idea about. Sadly a lot of women don’t know very much about how their body works. Even my mother didn’t know and I surely wasn’t taught this stuff in school. I had a couple friends who used nfp, but really until I started learning more about it I almost thought they were crazy. Why wouldn’t you just take the pill to prevent getting pregnant? Oh how far I have come…I really believe girls should be taught more about their body and even remember talking to doctors while we were trying to get pregnant who acted very clueless when I would start talking about my cycle and signs I knew my body was giving.
I now hope to never take the pill again. And we will pray that God will lead us to know when we are done having children.
Thanks for the book recommendation! I added it to my Amazon wish list.
Also – I agree that men and women ought to be taught MUCH more about anatomy and reproduction…preferably by their parents.
I used the pill for, brace yourself… 17 years!!! I thought I was doing fine with it physically, but once I stopped taking it I realized that I had had no way to tell. It affected our intimate life far more than I could have known and I will never be on it again! But, I’m almost 40 and my chance of conceiving a baby with Down’s Syndrome is heartbreakingly high. We have decided that it would be selfish to gamble with a child’s life like that, so my husband is planning to get a vasectomy. We’re definitely not ‘done’ though! We hope to adopt through foster care.
Oh, Melinda! That is wonderful! I know you are going to impact so many little lives.
I will NEVER EVER go on the pill AGAIN!!!!! The last time I went on was right after the birth of Little Bear. it caused me to get extreme gall bladder disease (the Drs in the ER said they never saw one so bad before), get jaundice and inevitably, loose my gall bladder w/i 48 hours of entering the ER. This was all due to the consumption/use of my BC Pills (it’s also a noted and common side effect..look it up!) We have since been doing it the Natural Way and it’s worked BEAUTIFULLY! i would NEVER recommend BC Pills to anyone and the thoughts already 14 yrs pre-mature are already weighing on my mind for the day when it’s time to consider Little Bear going on them. Le Sigh….
How scary for you, Kathie!
I didn’t realize that gall bladder disease was a common side effect. Thanks for sharing your experience so that other women can research it more thoroughly for themselves.
I never went on the pill either! I couldn’t stand the thought of the side effects and even thinking about what it could do gives me the creeps. So we decided to go with barrier birth control and that’s what we’re still using plus doing tracking my cycle thing.
I’ve wondered about my husband getting the surgery too once we’re “done”. But it IS really hard to tell when you are done…and you know I know of someone whose husband had the surgery before they got married and she’s had 3 “not supposed to happen” kids! So…God is in control!
Smiling. For about a decade my friends would fiercely debate this issue (sometimes they still do… but less often in our mid thirties than in our mid twenties). I took the pill for a couple of yeas before we “wanted” our first baby. Then I cried every month while it took ten months to get pregnant (in retrospect, that’s not the crisis it seemed at the time, when I was questioning my fertility every single month.)
After Hannah we tried a bunch of things, none of them chemical and I learned to pay attention to my body and know when I was mostly likely to become pregnant… we didn’t have any of the wonderful classes Abby talked about. Too bad.
My husband had surgery after our Ezra was born (had it scheduled, actually, rescheduled it for a church event… got pregnant!! We LOVE that!) For us, four is perfect and we are at complete peace with our decision, even a decade (almost!) later. Although a couple of times I’ve wondered if I was preg. since then (we know a few people who’ve had post surgery babies and they are always a JOY!)
Having read loads and loads and having had MANY conversations over the years with wonderful moms, my own conclusions are as follows: birth control pills are NOT safe and they cause miscarriages that one may never know about… and no one has ever bothered to study how often that happens. They mess with mama’s body chemistry too… and that can’t be good… and there ARE so many OTHER options for the educated Mama.
Bottom line (from my perspective) this issue is between a man, his wife and their God. No one else gets a vote and no one should be guilted into, or out of a particular method by others. GRACE in all things toward other Mamas is really the only kind way to live together and walk this already difficult path of mothering.
Peace and great big, happy families to all of you!. :)
I appreciate your optimistic, nonjudgmental attitude. Your conclusion is the same as mine…the pill is not safe and young women should be informed of their other options. Most of the OBs that I have encountered prescribe the pill as the “only” form of birth control instead of discussing the side effects, the research, and the alternatives.
I got pregnant on the Pill. :) After that, and after finding out how much better it is to not be on medication for everything else, we continue to use “the barrier method” and I guess plan to for as long as we need to. I don’t like elective surgery so I don’t want my husband to have a vasectomy either. Also, what if what if someday we change our minds??? It’s so final. All that is totally how WE think as a couple… nothing against how everyone else is doing it!
Steph
I lean the same way that you do – no elective surgery. (BUT I’m also not sure I want to use condoms until menopause).
I guess we’ll just research, pray, and “wait and see” for now. We definitely want to have at least one more so we don’t have to make a decision quite yet. ;)
I have also been on the pill for 17 years with only a short break for my third child. (I got pregnant with my first two while on the pill). I take it everyday with no breaks and love it! Fortunately I don’t have any side effects and I love the freedom of never worrying about that time of the month. It is a different choice to take it everyday but definitely a great choice for our family.
Thanks for writing this – I think that awareness really needs to be raised when it comes to the affects of the Pill. I’m one of those unlucky ones who’s health was badly affected by it. We dealt with infertility issues for almost 4 years before we finally had our “miracle baby”. I also got Candida Albicans as a result of antibiotics and birth control pills combined. Never thought the decision to go on the Pill would have such a long-lasting effect.
After all those years of heartache, waiting, and a couple of miscarriages, we are so overjoyed to have our 2 girls. And I thought I was done, done, done. But lately I’ve been feeling like my reasons for that are short-sighted. It’s all about now – how I feel now, how trying for another baby would be hard now. When I think about years down the road, a bigger family would be great! And I don’t want to wish that we had tried to have another one but never did.
So now I’m thinking that I’m going to leave it to God. I don’t even know if it’s possible for me to have another baby, but anytime I’m very set against something for my own reasons, it seems as though I’m doing it because I’m not open to what God wants for my life.
We’ll see what happens!
Stephanie, I’m so proud of you for writing about this! I’ve been wanting to write about birth control for some time now but it’s such a tricky topic to write about without offending someone. You did it beautfiully.
My husband and I have been married for seven years and we’ve never used any artificial or chemical birth control, EVER. (Did you know the Pill is the only medication doctors can prescribe that forces an otherwise healthy body to act awry?) We have only ever used NFP and so far all of our children have been planned blessings. (But even if they weren’t, we wouldn’t change our ways.)
Many people think that because we are strong Catholics, that is the only reason we don’t use birth control. And it’s true that this is the reason we first looked into NFP. But now that we are seven years into it, I can confidently say that this is the only method I will ever use no matter what anyone else has to say about it.
It has done wonders for our marriage! During times of abstaining (when we’re not trying to conceive) we grow so much closer having to find creative ways to be affectionate other than being physical. And when we’re not abstaining, we have such a rich sex life. I’m convinced it’s richer than some couples I know who use birth control and can have sex whenever they desire. I love that when we do have sex, there’s nothing artificial between us. I feel like that would be like saying, “I love you…but not enough to have all of you.” BUT, I realize not all couples feel like that.
That said, it must be noted that NFP only works if the husband also supports it. This is definitely NOT a one-man opperation.
I also love how NFP forces you to really listen to your body. After seven years of practice, it’s amazing what it can tell you!
Once you’re ready to look into NFP let me know. I have a lot of resources (and opinions!) on the subject.
One thing that appeals to me about NFP is that almost all of the couples that I know who practice it have strong marriages…and talk about the marital benefits that accompany it.
P.S. I’m ready to look into NFP. Feel free to share links, resources, books, advice, etc. :)
if you haven’t yet gotten a copy of Taking Charge of Your Fertility, you need to buy one. Don’t borrow– it’s worth every penny and an invaluable resource you will keep referring to. Get it now; you will learn so much about what your body has been telling you all along.
In the meantime, you can see the author’s website, which is not the pinnacle of web design, but it works. She has info FAQs up and I use it to chart my own cycles. http://www.tcoyf.com
I’ve never been on the pill, we always used condoms or a diaphragm to prevent pregnancy. It worked fine. I didn’t like the idea of artificial hormones in my body either. After the birth of my second daughter I had the mirena iud inserted. I’m okay with it. It still seems a little weird to me not to have that control. I don’t think we will have any other children but just for now the mirena works fine.
Wonderful points! I think trust in God and his will for our family is very important. I also will not use “the pill” as means of birth control, though my take is a little different.
To my understanding, most “pills” keep you from getting pregnant by not allowing the egg to implant into the uterus. Therefore, even if the egg is fertilized, it will not implant and will just leave the body. This causes a huge issue for anyone who believes that life starts at conception, because if that egg is fertilized and not allowed to implant, then the “pill” is keeping “life” from continuing.
This means that if you are on the “pill” or are thinking about taking the “pill,” you also have a few other decisions to think about. Am I pro-life, and if I am, when does “life” begin? These are hard questions, but questions that are necessary for us to think about as responsible women and mothers.
This is a tough / controversial subject, and I applauded you for addressing it. I am a mother of 6, and am really feeling like I am done “having” kids. However, my situation is a little different than most mothers. Of my 6 children, I have only given birth to 2 of them. Getting pregnant doesn’t come easy to us, however, God has had other plans for us. Our other 4 adopted kids have come from various places, so it can be said that it is more hazardous for me to walk out the door then to climb into bed. Therefore, the typical birth control is not really an issue for us, but the trust in God is the same. If God was to bring another innocent child to my doorstep and have me look in their sweet little eyes, would I be able to tell them that I wasn’t able to give them a home or be their mom because their timing wasn’t right? If God gave me one more child to love that hadn’t ever felt love before, could I tell him no because I was too tired?
Being a mom is tough, but God knows what is best for us! He knows the plan he has for us and we just need to trust him! For now I feel like I am done. But who knows what God has in store. I know that what he has had so far for us has been marvelous!
Thanks for sharing your insights, Davina. I have often wondered EXACTLY how the pill works and if it could be considered abortive. I DO believe that life begins at conception and the thought of interrupting the beautiful process of creating life makes my heart ache.
Shortly after we got married, I wanted to start trying to have a family. My seizure disorder sort of prevented me for awhile to conceive, but I didn’t get back on the Pill. I figured out when my body was most fertile and used condoms if need be. Believe it or not, all 4 of my kids were planned and spaced exactly how we wanted. I got pregnant right away with all, except my 3rd, but still, only took 5 mths. After the birth of my 3rd, I did get back on the mini-pill because I was nursing. The only “side-effect” is I didn’t get a period. Not to shabby, except I nursed my daughter for almost 2 years! It began to just feel awkward not having a cycle, so I got off the mini-pill. A few months later we decided one more little one was missing and I got pregnant RIGHT away. I was older, obviously, and after having taken awhile to get pregnant with my 3rd etc., it kind of surprised me. Towards the end of my pregnancy, I felt hounded by certain medical professionals that I needed to have my “tubes tied”. I think if they hadn’t made such a big deal about it, I would have opted for that during my c-section. But, I wasn’t ready to make anything permanent, especially at the time of delivery. I wanted the delivery to be about this baby, not ending any possibility of any more.
Having said ALL that, I have really been contemplating and praying over ending my child baring years. My mom always told me that you’ll really know when you’re ready. I’m just praying that when we do something permanent (I’m not big into surprises, especially since I take anti-seizure meds) I won’t regret it and I will know without a shadow of a doubt it’s right for all of us. Just like I knew that my husband was the one for me. :) So, until then…if I get back on anything, it will be the mini-pill while I nurse and am hoping that by the time my son is 1, we will have made a decision. So other contraception won’t be necessary. We’ll see.
I don’t think that I don’t trust God with how many kids we are “supposed” to have, I just think that medical advancements have helped us decide for ourselves and plan and I think that’s ok. Just like medical advancements have helped in other areas.
We took NFP classes early in our marriage. The pill or anything artificial that messed with my hormones was never an option in our minds. Also, there is the issue Davina raised a few comments back, about the pill not allowing a fertilized egg to implant in the uterus. I had read about this years ago and knew then I would never take the pill. We’ve never regretted it. I wish more people knew about NFP. Not only is it effective, but it makes us appreciate and understand the gift of fertility and my body, and work with it, not against it. I could never understand suppressing something as fragile as my body’s fertility, which is a gift for only a certain amount of years. Some people think that NFP is just the “rhythm” method, but it is much more complex and individualized than that. It really is fascinating tracking your body’s cycles and fertility. However, I think in order for NFP to be successful, both spouses really need to be 100% on board and involved. One thing I appreciate about it is that it puts “birth control” as the responsibility of both of the spouses, not just the woman (who has to remember to take her pill, or is the one to get injections, etc.). All of this said, I do not push NFP on anyone. Basically if people ask me, I gladly share. It is a very personal decision.
I first went on the pill after I had some very weird periods, which may have been combined with weight loss…I was 24 or 25. I went off of the pill for a couple of years, but then a few months before I got married, I went on the patch. Loved the patch in comparison to the pill, for convenience sake. I remained on the patch for the first three years of our marriage. it took me six or seven months to get pregnant.
After the birth of our first son, and shortly after I finished nursing him, I was VERY surprised to find that I was once again pregnant. The boys are only 17 months apart, and although life is challenging with two little ones and no family nearby, I love it.
After my second son was born, my husband wanted me to go back on birth control. I really couldn’t imagine having another one close in age (like friends who have three under three) in our current situation (I’m 35, way far away from family). Yes, I’m on birth control – I have the Mirena IUD. I love it! I also know of women who have gotten pregnant on birth control and know that God’ can allow a pregnancy to occur even while on bc.
At this point in my life, I am very content with my two little boys. I think my husband would love to see us have a girl, but I’ve teased him that we can’t exactly choose that if/when we conceive! :) The Mirena IUD expires after five years, so I wil either continue with that, or my husband will consider being snipped. Time will tell.
I’m glad that you opened this can of worms. :)
Ugh, you and me too. I was on the pill for seven years. It made me, ahem, dry. I never want to go back on it. Like you, I just don’t know that I like the idea of messing with my body’s chemistry.
Can I post a really long one? Don’t get annoyed!
What do the following have in common?
Female Genital Mutiliation (FGM): the cutting away of the clitoris and sometimes also the labia, sometimes with the remaining tissue stitched tightly together with thread or thorns, preformed on millions of girls every year, usually between the ages 4 to 8 years old, primarily in Africa.
Foot Binding: the breaking of a young girl’s arches and toes and subsequent binding of her feet with bandages, widespread in China until roughly 1900.
Female Infanticide: the murder of female infants, because of preference for male offspring, which together with sex-selective abortion, has resulted in some 100 million “missing girls” in Asia today.
Here are three characteristics that these practices share:
1. They are bodily assults on women. The first three maim women. Female infanticide kills them.
2. Although the supposed goals of all these procedures differ, from the outside it is obvious that the real reason for all of them is to put women under the sexual control of men. Take female genital mutilation, for instance. The point is to make it impossible for a woman to orgasm. She is therefore supposedly more likely to remain chaste. Foot binding makes walking painful, thereby keeping women at home. Female infanticide is, of course, the ultimate silencer of women. 100 million of them.
3. These practices are often done by women to women. Mothers and mother-in-laws almost always carry out these practices, or contract to have them done by midwives, often in the name of “empowerment” or “beauty.”
It’s this last point that is perhaps the hardest to understand. You will regret googling images of “foot binding” for instance. The deformities involved are hard to stomach. And yet it was women, as well as men, who found bound feet beautiful and wanted that for their daughters. One shivers in horror to read about the many varieties of female genital mutilation. And yet anthropologist Rogaia M. Abusharaf, found that FGM “is seen as ‘the machinery which liberates the female body from its masculine properties’ and for the women she interviewed, it is a source of empowerment and strength.” Yeah, it is, if you are so brainwashed by your own misogynist culture that you cannot register that they are cutting off your clitoris and labia, then sewing the sides together. Of course, proponents object to the term “female genital mutilation” preferring “female circumcision” (as if it were a minor procedure) or even “the beautification.”
The lesson is, you can be a victim of a woman-hating, woman-maiming cultural practice without even recognizing it, because after all, you are a product of your culture too, and from inside your own culture, it all looks reasonable and normal, and maybe even “empowering” and “beautiful.”
So what does any of this have to do with the Pill? Let’s run down the three commonalities of all those things again.
1. They are bodily assults on women.
The Pill has side-effects like any medication. There’s nasea, headaches, vision-changes, mood-changes, weight gain, and sometimes deadly blood clots. Studies show that using the Pill increases the chances of getting breast cancer. Furthermore, use of the Pill especially increases the chances of contracting the worst forms of breast cancer. (See http://cebp.aacrjournals.org/content/19/8/2073.abstract).
But the larger problem, of which the health affects of the Pill are a subset, is that the Pill works by drastically changing a girl’s body. It manipulates her hormones, tricking her body into thinking she is constantly pregnant. That’s why the most common side effects of the Pill mirror the symptoms of early pregnancy (the worst part of pregnancy): weight gain, mood swings, headaches, nasuea.
Anyone who has been pregnant knows that the the changes in your body and your brain when you go from a state of fertility to a state of pregnancy (or Pill-induced psuedo-pregnancy) are real and serious.
Maybe these mental and physical changes seem minor compared to female genital mutilation. But notice that the Pill, like those perversions, is an assult on a perfectly healthy and normal manifestation of femininity. It’s normal for girls to have a clitoris and labia. And it’s normal for them to ovulate. Why to we have to cut those things off or medicate them away?
2. They give men control over women’s bodies.
The Pill was supposed to be about sexual liberation. And it is. For men. The promise of the pill is that sex can be free of committment because sex won’t make a woman pregnant. Of course, the promise is a lie. According to Planned Parenthood, 2-8% of women on the Pill will get pregnant in any given year.
When a woman does get pregnant, it’s her problem. She’s the one who is in charge of birth control. If it fails, she can always have an abortion. Those are, after all, her “reproductive choices.” So if she has a baby, it’s her choice and therefore the father of the baby need not concern himself. And in fact, he often doesn’t concern himself. 40% of all births in America are to unmarried women. How’s that for “empowerment”?
3. They are embraced by women even though they are products of sick cultures trying desperately to twist normal femininity into something more manageable.
The Pill was sold as a tool of liberation. American women were supposed to be liberated from the burden of pregnancy, kind of like those girls in Africa are “liberated” from their bodies’ “masculine properities,” i.e., their clitoris. Foot binding started as a sign that well-to-do women were liberated from having to work for a living. But in reality, all of these things have always been about controlling women.
Margaret Sanger, who founded Planned Parenthood and spent her life pushing birth control, was a thorough-going proponent of controlling the reproduction of “unfit” women. She wrote this: “The campaign for birth control is not merely of eugenic value, but is practically identical with the final aims of eugenics.” It’s almost too easy to find any number of outrageous quotes from Sanger and her fellow early birth control proponents. The thing that’s really, truly astounding is that elite women of today are still of the opinoin that reproductive “freedom” is really about population control. Take current Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who was quoted by the New York Times as saying that she thought Medicaid should fund abortions and was surprised the rest of the court did not agree, because, “Frankly I had thought that at the time Roe was decided, there was concern about population growth and particularly growth in populations that we don’t want to have too many of.” That interview took place last year.
Of course, unlike Sanger and Ginsburg, most birth control enthusiasts aren’t actually eugenicists. They are nice church ladies who just want you to enjoy your marriage for a few years before you have children. Or they are soft-spoken doctors who tell you the Pill will clear up your skin. Or your college roommate, who tells you that you can’t have a career and persue your dreams without all those hard-won “reproductive freedoms.”
Are all these women deluded? Maybe they are. Step out of the culture for a minute. Pretend you are looking in from the outside. These women are urging other women to take a pill which medicates normal femininity as if it were a disease. Doesn’t that seem a little misogynistic to you?
If there were a pill for men – one that, say, changed testosterone levels to the point that men were made infertile – would men take it? That’s not an academic question, actually. Such pills have been invented but have never been persued by the pharmasudical industry. Why? In studies, virtually zero men were willing to take them.
Oops, I should’ve spell-checked before posting…
LOVE THIS! Well said! and 100% true!
The thought that 1,2 & 3 are ways to “empower” men is a modern day assertion. In fact, these practices began as cultural or religious traditions.
Female genital “mutilation” (mutilation being a modern day wording, wherein the practice is actually called “female circumcision” or “female genital cutting”)…cultural practice going back hundreds of years if not longer. Originally for reasons other than “male empowerment”. The term “mutilation” was added in the 1970′s in order to elicit feelings of depravity for the practice.
Foot binding…cultural practice; a bound foot was considered extremely beautiful… cultural definition of beauty. It wasn’t until our Western point of view labelled it as disgusting was it given any real attention as for “male empowerment”.
Female “infancticide” (infanticide being a modern day wording again to elicit feelings of depravity towards the act). This sums it up better than I could express in this space. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infanticide
Obviously I do not subscribe to our modern day feelings of “male empowerment”. THAT is a discussion for it’s own thread.
Great comments! I once saw an exhibit about The Pill at the Smithsonian in D.C. It was surprisingly balanced. Actually it seemed to oppose the Pill more often than not. The most stricking information showed that where the Pill was supposed to liberate women, statics actually show quite the opposite. Pornography, objectification, divorce, assault and rape have all skyrocketed since the Pill’s introduction. Of course this is only a correlation, not causation, but it still makes you wonder.
That exhibit sounds exceptional! I wonder if it still there (I think I’ll look it up).
Kristine, I blog against contraception for a living, and talk about the destructiveness of the sexual revolution, but the way that you expressed the anti-feminine idea behind contraception and its terrible effects is attention getting and powerful. Well done!
oh that is an awesome comment and ideas i have not thought of previously. gives a whole darker side of birth control. Thank you for the long comment.
I LIKE long comments, Kristine. Thank you for weighing in on this topic (which you have obviously researched thoroughly).
Thank you for talking about this. Why doesn’t anyone ever talk about this? I had strong feelings about any kind of hormonal contraceptive when I was engaged, and was glad to find out that my husband was okay with using condoms. It was weird to me that all my newly-married friends just assumed that I was on the pill. I felt sorry for them, because they also seemed to assume that there was no other choice for THEMSELVES.
It’s the same as vaccinating your kids. Don’t let “everybody’s doing it” determine your actions. Look into it, find out the details, know the options, and decide for yourself.
An excellent exhortation, Joanna!
Okay, I could have written your post word for word…well, basically anyway. I started taking the pill a couple months before I got married. It actually did effect me, though. I completely lost my libido and didn’t really have much desire to make love on my wedding night. It was my first time, but I wasn’t nervous, I just didn’t really care to do it. That’s when I decided to get off the pills. 2 months later I became pregnant with my first child. After I had her, my doctor asked me what I wanted to do as far as birth control. I told him I wasn’t sure, so I just used condoms. I’ve been using them ever since because I’m just not comfortable with messing with my body’s hormones if I can help it. All of my friends are basically on the pill or have an IUD, and that’s completely fine for them. I’m just not comfortable with it.
As far as when to stop having kids, that’s been a big talk around here for a while. How DO you know when it’s time to stop??? After I had my second daughter I felt completely overwhelmed and very depressed. I really struggled to be a good mom because I was having such a hard time with my kids and my emotions were all over the place. I thought we might be done! I didn’t feel right about that decision, but the thought of having another child was very hard for me to be happy about. We decided to just wait and pray about it and see how I felt down the road. It took me about 3 years, but I eventually got excited about having kids again and I was ready and excited to start trying. We just had our 3rd girl 4 months ago and I am in bliss! I feel like waiting until I was really ready was the key for me. We feel like we will probably have one more child, but we’re not limiting ourselves. We are just going to take them one at a time and continue to pray about it. If we can financially take care of more and if I can physically and mentally take care of more and feel like I’m not spread too thin, then we will. If I start feeling like I’m not able to handle it, we will pray about it and wait. Once we’ve decided that we are officially done having kids, my husband will probably get “the snip”, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Tim & I are taking the same approach – one at a time (and lots of prayer). I think 4 sounds like a good number to me, but…maybe my heart will change in the coming years.
Wow. This is my story exactly!
I went on the pill a month or two before getting married (to apparently allow my body to adjust?) to my husband and was on the pill until I got pregnant 2.5 yrs into our marriage (still on the pill – I had actually JUST switched to a different kind and ended up getting pregnant). I haven’t been on since.
I’m the same as you and a lot of others – I don’t like the chemicals messing with my body.
Right now we’re using condoms and it’s working.
I have such easy pregnancies and births that it’d be a shame to stop at 2 kids. :) I so want a big family. I want to have at least one more biological child and then adopt one or two more…expanding your family doesn’t have to be just biological.
As for surgery – when I first thought about it, I felt it was so final and couldn’t wrap my head around it until my Mom told me my Dad got the surgery after my youngest brother was born (there are 4 of us kids). I was shocked! But I do like the idea of not just assuming we know what’s best for our family before asking God.
Anyway, I came across your blog through Google Reader. :)
Glad I read this.
We are considering adoption too. But I think we want to have 1 or 2 more biologically as well. :)
4 kids – I’m 47. We used: nothing, NFP, and then the pill. I was on it for 6 years. I hated the way it evened out my moods and emotions. I felt kind of, um, “vanilla” all the time. Didn’t feel like myself. After #4, my husband had the surgery. We’re very happy with our relationship, but I do hear so many Christian young women struggling just as you are, and I admire them. The pill is much weaker now than it was then, and much more likely to cause early abortions, or so I hear. That’s a concern. My husband firmly believes that all birth control is rather silly, since God will give you the children he wants you to have, regardless of what you do. Still, I think our birth control choices do tell where our hearts are, and God hears that.
I don’t think I could been sane with 14 children. But I’ll say that NFP felt just as unnatural to me as the pill did, for the reasons Jo-Lynne expresses above. This is a fallen world. Our lack of ability to handle the life-giving qualities God gave us, whether by limiting birth or by parenting poorly, demonstrates this fallenness.
I feel exactly as you do. I took the pill for one month after realizing that my period was going to arrive right on my honeymoon. Then no more. I do not like the idea of it and never have. I think we have not yet seem all the damage that it can do. Intuitively it just seems wrong. I love your honest and well thought out viewpoints and your love of mothering :-). P.S. I have children older than you, so I am no youngster, but I was an attachment parenting mother. I can tell you that I have never regretted it.
I never went on the pill. When we got married, I had known too many people who had been on the pill and had trouble getting pregnant, weight gain, mood swings, etc. It seemed too scary to me to go on the pill. Plus I had done some research on the pill causing an abortion. Thus, we decided for us, it wasn’t the right thing.
We ended up using the barrier method and I bought Taking Charge of Your Fertility and learned to chart. Best thing I ever did. I became aware of my bodies and my cycles. I love it, but hubby who has seen too many babies born from NFP, does not trust it 100%. Thus we did a bit of both. We had our first daughter close to 4 years after marrying so it did work. Our second was sort of a “let’s see what happens” and it worked! We have been using nursing/FAM/and barriers since then which is almost 2 years now.
Now my husband is feeling “done” but I’m still a bit uncertain. I actually feel quite ok with the number of children we have. I feel happy, complete, etc. but it is so final and that scares me a bit. Yet on the other hand, the thought of using barriers for the rest of my child bearing years (20+ years) sounds not so fun. So right now, we are asking God to show us and just trusting Him.
Scientific research has PROVEN that the birth control pill DOES NOT cause abortion. It causes the lining of the uterus to be changed so that IMPLANTATION is prevented. There is a difference.
Maybe ‘abortion’, by the general public’s definition is the wrong choice of wording, but abortion is technically a medical term used in conjunction with miscarriage, or any ending of prenatal life. Since an egg has been fertilized, thus creating a life, a zygote, and you are making an uninhabitable environment for said life, wouldn’t you, knowingly or unknowingly be ending a life? Isn’t that what abortion does? Just my mind wondering and wandering….
The terms “Miscarriage” & “Abortion” are not terms that are mutually exclusive. I guess it depends when you believe “life” begins as to whether you are unknowingly ending a life. A discussion I don’t wish to begin on Stephanie’s post.
It is about what people define as abortion & life. Some of us don’t want to purposely create a hostile uterus, because we believe that life begins at fertilization of the egg.
Basically Erin and Uniquely Normal have both confirmed how I feel, but I did want to respond as well. This article: http://www.arrowcollectors.com/birth-control-spontaneous-abortions explains how the pill does basically cause what is known as a “chemical abortion”. I’d love to see the research that talks about the pill being proven not to cause an abortion. To me when an egg is fertilized, life has begun.
Here’s a thought for those of you in the Christian community:
Prior to the massive marketing efforts of artificial contraception advocates and producers in the early 20th century, every single Christian denomination, going back to the Early Church Fathers, unanimously denounced the use of artificial contraception as a sin — a grave sin in many cases.
Were 2000 years of Christian teachings wrong?
Or, are *we* wrong now?
The use of “Christian denomination” is a misnomer. In fact it was the Catholic Church who proliferated the theory that using any methods to usurp the will of God (will of God being bearing children to forward His plan of “multiplying and replenishing the earth” was an act in defiance of Him).
I think it is a disgrace to believe that anyone but God himself would have been behind the science of invention and it’s discoveries as anything but for the good use of mankind. But then that is just MY opinion.
Just to be clear, all major Protestant denominations condemned the use of artificial contraception prior to the 20th century. Most Protestant Christians consider many of the Early Church Fathers (like St. Augustine) as their own Christian ancestors as well. That said, Martin Luther, John Calvin and other Protestant Reformers clearly believed the same.
I’m not giving my opinion. Just stating a historical fact and asking if morality has some how changed in the Christian community. Artificial contraception has always existed in various forms, which is why it has been spoken about in the Christian community since the first century. The fact that it now is up for debate among Christians, when it was very clear to them years ago, is interesting to me.
Now my opinion: as Christians, it behooves us to look back to our ancestors and learn from them. Or at the very least, we should be required to ask why morality has changed. (A bigger question: Does morality change?)
Speaking specifically about religious historical fact, the original “Christian” church was a mixture of Catholic theology and Greek Orthodox theology that began somewhere around 400 & 1000AD…I can’t remember off the top of my head the exact dates. The Protestant churches were a break off from this group around 1500AD when they began to argue about who was the true head…Rome or Constantinople. It all went downhill from there.
My opinion: “morality” is constantly changing. Whether for right or wrong/good or bad I am not sure. Great point.
I’ve been on the pill since I was 16 (to regulate my periods)…I honestly don’t know if I would “feel” different if I wasn’t on it but I do really hate the fact that I’m taking a chemical hormone. I just never really thought about alternatives and absolutely know my husband and I aren’t ready for children yet. We both want to eventually adopt and don’t really mind if we are unable to get pregnant. After reading so many comments though, i’m definitely going to look into some other options. Great post Steph!
I think the question is misleading. I believe our Heavenly Father has put in place Science for the good of mankind. That being said, I believe that artificial birth control does not in any way affect or take away from my spirituality and that I strongly believe that God gave that option to us to use for good. I also believe that He wants us to include Him in our prayerful consideration about what is best for us as a MARRIED couple when it comes to when to have children and how many to have.
I took birth control pills for 4 years starting right before I got married. I didn’t take anything before marriage because I was not interested in being sexually active until after marriage (MY choice). I cannot take any birth control anymore due to a serious pulmonary embolism which landed me dying in the hospital 6 weeks after my 4th son was born. The fact that I survived in my opinion was God telling me ‘I’ve kept you here so you can be with your beautiful family but your family is complete now’. That was confirmed by multiple doctors expressing that I WAS NOT TO HAVE ANY MORE CHILDREN or I would DIE. For people that don’t have as profound experience as I did, I think your question is a hard one to answer…the God/mortal connection is so personal to everyone. I cannot take anything with estrogen. My husband had a vasectomy 1 week after I was released from hospital so that we had an assurance that I would never be put in that situation again. And we are OK with that decision. I don’t think anyone should have to worry that birth control is in any way taking away from their spirituality…I think that is a little backwards…but that is just my opinion.
I also don’t feel that God put us here to have as many children as we possibly could with disregard for anything else.
THAT all being said…if my embolism had not happened I would have gotten a permanent IUD as I have control issues, LOL. I would have been OK with that decision too if it had worked out that way.
This is definitely an intensely personal issue.
I agree with what Jennifer stated so eloquently above: “Bottom line (from my perspective) this issue is between a man, his wife and their God. No one else gets a vote and no one should be guilted into, or out of a particular method by others. GRACE in all things toward other Mamas is really the only kind way to live together and walk this already difficult path of mothering.”
Wow! What a discussion you have started here! I too went on the pill just before getting married. I didn’t have any problems at all while on it and I got pregnant just one month after stopping. After having my first child, I did not go back on it…but got pregnant with #2 just before #1′s first birthday. I didn’t have any strong convictions either way in taking it. I was very well educated on the biology of the pill, how it works, how it affects the human body, etc. My husband and I simply made the decision to not go on it again. We are ‘done’ as far as we know and we are confident in our decision for him to have surgery. We have no doubts that God can and will do anything He wants to if He chooses to give us more children, whether it be naturally or through adoption. This is no small topic…as you are seeing in the comments above. I am thankful that I didn’t have any problems while on the pill and thankful for healthy pregnancies and babies. My heart hurts for those that have tough times getting pregnant, miscarriages, etc., especially those that I am close to. It is a special thing to be able to parent little people…and I so value others’ opinions, thoughts, insight and decisions on these matters!
You are such a gracious person, Nini. Have I mentioned that I really like you? :)
I became pregnant with our first daughter while I was on the pill. About three months ago, I decided to begin taking the pill again – up until that time, we had just been using artificial contraception.
It was a tough decision to make, but one that we felt was best for right now. We’re definately not “done” adding to our family, and would love to be blessed with a few more children in the future.
I started taking the pill a few months before we were married. I’ve never experienced any side effects that I noticed. It did shorted my cycle which I didn’t like. I was on it for 3 1/2 years before we decided we were ready for our first. I got pregnant within 2 months of stopping. I currently take the mini-pill b/c I’m nursing. My son is 7 months old and I haven’t had a cycle (not sure if that’s b/c of the mini-pill or him still nursing a lot at night.)
Just another story. My little sister (youngest of 4) was conceived after my step-father had had a vasectomy (funny enough they found out right after building on to our house so that each child would have their own bedroom.) My mom had her tubes tied after my sister was born.
I am interested in NFP but am unsure how to jump into that since I have no idea where my body currently stands with fertility/nursing/mini-pill. I guess some reading is in order.
What a great discussion you have started! I got pregnant on the pill with our daughter and went back on it after I was done nursing her. When we were ready to start trying to have another child, I went off of the pill and got pregnant with our son within that month. I liked being on the pill, because my periods were only one day with no side effects. I nursed our son for almost 2 years and wasn’t on the pill. Around the time our son was 6months old, we made the decision for my husband to get a vasectomy.
I loved being pregnant! Yes, I threw up (often) and yes I carried a 10lb baby, but every little detail about being pregnant I loved! I love bringing my newborns home and nursing them. I still love the very thought of being pregnant, but as we all know babies don’t stay young forever.
We have two very smart, active, loving children that require lots our attention. My husband and I are able to give them one on one, personal attention that can be uninterrupted for hours. My husband was brought up with very little attention from his parents and I grew up in a large household with three sisters. As parents, we both agreed that we want to give our children all of our attention, love, quality time, etc. without spreading our energy levels too thin (and it stills get that way sometimes). My husband’s job requires for him to be gone for 24 hours at a time and I am the one that holds down the “fort” when he’s gone. Having two children is perfect for our family! Our kiddos are 7 and 5 years old and are starting to gain their independance. With every new year, we turn a new chapter of adventures and moments that will require support for our children in this very challenging world. It’s not about the expenses for us, it’s about quality time with the children we have.
Our family is a perfect size for us….not for everyone! I know many people that have several children and it is wonderful for them! I really feel that God will fill your heart with what he desires for you and your family. We all know that if it is HIS plan….it will happen:) You never know….I have heard several people having babies AFTER their husband gets a vascetomy! If that happened, we would be delighted with God’s miracle:) The best advice I would give (after this very long post) is to pray about it, until you feel comfortable about the choice you make:)
I didn’t particularly love the pill, but I believe fiercely that it should be made available to women who want to use it, for whatever variety of reasons.
For me, personally, natural family planning is not a good option. I think its a fine option for anyone who would not be distressed at getting a positive pregnancy test any given month. I think it can be reasonably effective, but it is definitely not the most effective method of birth control. But like the Pill, I also fiercely support a woman’s right to choose this method. What matters most is that you research your options, search your heart, and are hopefully in a relationship where the man is taking an active role in family planning, as well, so that you can make good decisions together that are right for your family. Every family is different, and every situation is different!
I currently use Mirena, and I love it. No complaints!
How funny that you should write this! I just took myself off of the pill. When I first got on it, it was swell. No side effects or anything, and I was happy. This was about a year and a half ago. Then I had to come off of it for two months (due to poor planning of my OB/GYN visit for refill/etc…). Every since I have been back on it in September, it has not been smooth sailing. My period never comes when it’s supposed to, even though I feel as though it’s coming around the time when it’s supposed to. Weird, I know! Also, I’ve been getting really, really bloated. UGH! Finally, I got my period — right smack in the middle of the month and half way through my pill packet. Double weird!!! (Also, TMI, but hey….). I’ve never been so happy to see my period before! So I decided to get off the pill. I’m a single mom anyway and there are certainly NO prospects in sight so I might as well let my body do what it does naturally…
I too kind of wished I never used birth control although personally I don’t differentiate between methods. I read somewhere (conversiondiary.com?) that if you are having sex, you should be open to creating life at the same time. I totally agree with that now. At the time, I had no idea of course that we would have trouble getting pregnant (8 years!)
After Elizabeth we were told we “had” to use contraception to prevent a pregnancy too soon. My reaction was “are you nuts?”. On one hand, it’s still technically “impossible” for us to have kids, so we don’t need to worry so much. On the other, since I’d love to have another child, if we used contraception I’d always be asking myself “what if”. What if the only time I could have gotten pregnant again was while we were using birth control?
wings
It also drives me crazy to hear people talk about how they plan out their family size etc. I think this notion that it’s just a physical process that we have complete control over is a dangerous secular myth. I mean, it’s great that so many people can “decide they are ready” and then go on to have children but that’s not the reality for everyone and the number of people for whom it is a problem is increasing.
All that said, strangely I don’t have huge regrets about my use of the pill as a teen, long before it was used for birth control. I had a terrible time every month with cramps, mood swings and back spasms. In fact, I’d spend several days unable to do anything except lie on the floor moaning. My hormones were totally out of whack. The pill helped stabilize them. I was very nervous about coming off the pill a few years later but when I did the extreme problems didn’t return.
I’ve used Natural Family Planning since I first got married. I too was able to plan a pregnancy and got pregnant on the first try. Blessed, is how my husband and I feel… I am a huge advocate of Natural Family Planning (NFP) and would love to show you some resources or continue this conversation if you ever have any questions. In addition to NFP respecting a woman’s body it is a beautiful thing to be able to know in prayer and in your heart that you are being open to God’s will at all times. Even more, the spiritual fruits that are present in my marriage because of practicing NFP are innumerable. God bless you on your journey for information and I am certain that God will bless your openness to Him.
I used the patch when we first got married and I got sick SOO sick, I vomited every month for a few days everytime I re-put on the patch after my cycle after 8 months I was done so I tried the pill SAME thing. I never really thought anything different about birth control its just “something you do” when you are married. My hubby and I talked about it and decided to Natural Family Plan that fall. We got pregnant with Olivia in May. She was a surprise in the sense that we hadn’t really been keeping track and weren’t planning on getting preggo but God has a plan! I haven’t touched any form of contraception since. We NFP and so far its worked great. We got Preggo with Piper when we wanted to and we really feel that God is sovereign no matter what, he has a plan for your family even when you think your the one in control. I don’t know what will happen in the future. We want more kids maybe 2 more and then I think we will be done. Making it permeanet is something we are praying about. I never want to tell God ” NO more children” but I don’t want to have 20 kids either. I know God will give us the peace when its the right time. My friend told me you would know when your done having kids when you look around the kitchen table and your family feels complete, that no one is missing.
Oh, I could totally echo what Melissa said above! After trying for close to a year and having 2 miscarriages I took in all my NFP charts to the doctor and he didn’t have a clue what he was looking at! I was super sore after just having miscarried so he ordered an ultrasound. Turns out that sore was baby Noah!
Anyway, I took the pill for a little less than a year when we were first married mostly because my husband was adamant that we not have kids right away. I was willing to wait a year, but he wanted to wait 2 or more. Well, when I quit because I was gaining weight (or perhaps that’s because I was working at a restaurant, but we’ll never really know!) and didn’t like how much it shortened my cycles we got pregnant exactly 3 months later.
After that I refused to take it again and a friend pointed me to TCOYF and I have never looked back. I have learned SO MUCH about my body and my cycle. At this point I know that my cycle is not normal even though it’s regular. My fertile time does NOT fit the book definition so we pretty much have to use contraception 90% of the time to be “safe”. ie, I’m not ready to be pregnant again and have another baby in the house when I am still so exhausted!
When we (basically me) decide we’re not having any more of our own biological children then he will get the surgery. But that doesn’t mean we won’t have more kids. He’s pretty firm in his belief that the world is overpopulated so replacement value may be all I get. And I’m kind of not a very happy pregnant person so I might be okay with that. But we are both very open to adoption so who knows how big our family will be! We are blessed to live in an area with a free Christian adoption agency from the foster care system and we both know how much those kids need love.
On another tangent… I have had a friend take the pill for 10 years and get to the point where the doctor told her she had to stop she was having so many hormonal issues. A normal non-pregnant uterine lining is 10mm and hers was 1mm. After she stopped she had to wait a year before she was even allowed to try conceiving. I’m definitely not convinced that the pill is “safe” for women’s bodies. I think it’s very possibly an underlying cause for a lot of the infertility we see today.
I know that’s a lot of random rambling, but I could talk about this for hours! ;)
I hypothesize that there is a link between hormonal birth control and infertility as well.
Never taken a birth control pill in my life. I have learnt to plan, watch my cycles. My husband is very careful as well, and we do use protection sometimes, but not all the time. I think God has plans for our family, and so I dont alter it. There are cases when I fear that I might be pregnant again, and my husband’s answer is always “so what? If God wants to bless us with a kid, why not?” But I guess God is not ready to give us another because we’ve never used birth control for the past 2yrs.
A friend let me borrow her copy of Taking Charge of Your Fertility before I got married. I’m so glad she did. I bought my own copy and marked it up while I read it twice. I was so interested to learn about my body. After my mother’s cancer, I decided not to take hormone birth control. Mom had been on it for 10 years. I’m so grateful for an understanding husband. I’ve told my friends about it, but no one wants to try it. It’s hard to change the cultural mindset of selfishness to seeing children as a blessing.
Fantastic book!
I cannot agree more. Unfortunately, I was one of the women who had side effects from hormonal birth control (I tried the pill and an IUD). It was amazing how quickly I returned to life once I started using a fertility monitor to track my cycle and stopped using any hormonal birth control. It was like the world opened up to me again, as if I had been in suspended animation for way too long. The pill and IUD (the IUD even more so) made me feel so sleepy all the time and as if I just had no drive to do anything all day long. I even had my thyroid checked thinking that might be the cause. The only thing that ever sounded appealing was curling up on the couch with a soft blanket and a good book.
Don’t get me wrong, that’s still really appealing, but at least now I have the energy to go play with my son and enjoy my husband before curling up on the couch!!
I tried charting my temp and checking CM, but just didn’t feel like I was diligent enough to trust it. Then a friend from church told me about the fertility monitor she uses and it all seemed to click for me. In case anyone is interested, there are several different monitors out there, but the Lady-Comp is the one I chose and I really couldn’t be happier.
Like I said before, being able to wake up every morning and actually have the energy to get through my day is amazing. I can’t believe I abused my body for so many years before figuring out what I was doing.
Thanks for the link to Lady-Comp. I just bookmarked the website for future research – it sounds like an “easier” way to approach natural family planning.
Since I’m trying to catch up on my blog reading… I don’t have time to read through the excellent discussion here – that I’ve scanned so I’ll just tell you my story.
My cycles have ALWAYS been irregular and I started when I was 9 years old. I started BCP’s 3 months before I got married and thought they were a wonder drug – instead of having a cycle every 14 days I was on the 28 day schedule, instead of having cramps that left me whimpering in bed I was able to pop a couple of Advil and keep on going. I took BCP until I found out I was pregnant with my first child. During that pregnancy we discovered that my uterus is full of fibroid tumors and one of them was extremely large and threatened the health and safety of my baby so I had monthly ultrasounds and a c-section. I still have pain from the site where they removed that tumor and my OBGYN says that I will always have pain from it, because of the scar tissue. We used condoms in between kids and a condom broke and I have #2 (sorry for the TMI!) that pregnancy was awful, I had to have another C-section because of the scar tissue and I died on the table during the surgery (obviously I recovered!). I knew my body was done so I had already requested a tubal ligation since I was already going to be opened up and since Hubby wouldn’t agree to have “the surgery” even though he didn’t “want” any kids – although he’ll admit he doesn’t know what he’d do without the two we have! I’ve always wanted two kids, that’s what I have and I really am thankful that I don’t have to worry about remembering to take my pill every morning and that I can simply enjoy the intimate side of life with Hubby without worrying about pregnancy.
If I had it to do all over again – I wouldn’t take “the pill” I can’t help but wonder if it isn’t a big part of the reason I have so many fibroid tumors now. My OBGYN predicts that I’ll require a hysterectomy in the next 10 years because of the tumors and the preliminary signs of endometriosis (sp?) that I’m showing – There seems to be a predisposition to that in my family, but I can’t help but wonder how much The Pill contributed to my current issues.
Stephanie,
Thank you for being willing to share your experience and thoughts on the Pill. As you said, many women don’t give much thought to taking it. I think this is partially because they don’t realize there are other, very effective options.
If you’re not opposed to barrier methods of birth control, I’d highly recommend you look into the Fertility Awareness Method (FAM). (NFP is the same as FAM but doesn’t allow for barrier methods to be used while you are fertile.) FAM is highly reliable – in fact, it’s as effective as the birth control pill (http://famnerd.com/what-is-fam/). The book Taking Charge of Your Fertility is the Bible of FAM and will empower you with more understanding of your body than you ever imagined.
There are many online and software-based programs to make charting even easier. We’re developing a FAM iPhone app called FAMnerd (http://FAMnerd.com/), which will allow you to chart on your iPhone. If you’re interested, you can sign up to be notified when it’s released.
Whatever you decide, thank you for sharing your thoughts and encouraging so many others to put thought into their form of birth control.
Wow Stephanie. What a great post, lively discussion, and lovely way of dealing with a potentially delicate subject.
I too regret taking the pill. I realize more with every passing year that hormones (even our own) themselves are incredibly powerful drugs and modern medicine really doesn’t know all that well how they work- especially in conjunction with all of our other amazingly complex bodily systems.
You asked so here goes: took a “traditional” pill on & off as a regrettably promiscuous young person. Became a Christian, stopped ;) Got married- took a “low dose” pill for probably about 5 years and didn’t have any major side effects but hated every hormone altering minute. Wanted to start a family- off the pill for about 1.5 years while “trying.” Then felt great pregnant with #1. Hmmm hormones anyone? No contraception whatsoever between babes cause we knew we wanted #2 ASAP. Which brings us to now.
I currently have the Mirena but wish I didn’t. I have had no negative side effects but stil don’t like the idea of my hormones being altered in even the smallest pharmaceutical way. But it is tough stuff…
I know I don’t feel “done.” My husband is not so sure and so for many complicated reasons- here we are. We will have to see. My girls are fantastic and more than keep me busy and fill my heart with joy but…
love you, d
P.S. don’t reply- you’ve got your work cut out for you with the rest. just thought you might want to know where I am :)
wow- I would have never thought to blog about this but it is sooo needed! WOW WOW… so many thoughts. First, I do not regret using some form of birth control for the first 4 years of my marriage b/c we were not ready to have children (and I know THAT is a whole other blog post!) But I also regret going on the Pill, the Patch,the Ring… I kept switching b/c none of them were “working” for my medical health. Then I decided enough – no more chemical altering my body. So we switched to condoms and it was a huge load off my mind. And honestly, I KNOW some women (and men) make a big deal about using them but it just is not a big deal to me or my husband at all.
I know I will NEVER want my husband to get the surgery b/c honestly it’s like the same thing – asking him to medically alter himself for “birth control” – plus I don’t like the idea of putting him through surgery even so “minor” when there are other safer options. It’s also just too “permanent” for me.
I am reading the book, Conscious Conception, and I think you would love it. A really deep and spiritual take on sexuality and how to become aware of your fertility. Amazing.
What cute pics of yall! I read above that you will be in Houston soon. I grew up there and am more up north now. BUT, enjoy Houston! I loved growing up there- so diverse- so cultural- so BIG! Have enjoyed getting caught up on your blog and we stopped the pill a long time ago. But, I did use it for a lot of years without being educated about possible side effects that I wasn’t aware of.
We use NFP and “the barrier method”…I get pregnant VERY easily. We’ve talked about surgery for Aaron, we really feel like we’re done but it just feels like by doing that we are “putting our foot down” with God on the matter and we just don’t like that. He knows the plans He has for us, we don’t always ;)
I took the pill for many years before I got married- not as protection but for my endometriosis. I am grateful then that I could take it and that my months improved. After I got married, I took the pill because my husband was starting grad school and I needed to work our way through it. My endometriosis continued to worsen and the doctor gave me a choice – surgery or get pregnant. Soon (like a little over a month later) we were successful in our attempts. After Jade was born, we did the patch. It was supposed to help my migraines but it made the endometriosis worse. Back on the pill. I could have had faith that we wouldn’t get pregnant again until we were ready, but I believe we are given the benefits of science so that we can make choices today. After much consideration, discussion and prayer I had an IUD put in after Ivy was born. We knew that we were done – that two was all we could balance, support and embrace with our lives being the way they were. But we also knew that it wasn’t our place to make the decision irreversible. I don’t feel like there is still one more waiting to come to us, but I don’t feel strongly that their isn’t.
I’m glad I can take the pill, wear a patch or have an IUD because I’m not ready to be a mom to a newborn again. But I know that accidents can happen and if I’m supposed to have another one then I know it will happen. :)
First of all, how cute are you and Tim?!?! (Answer: Very!)
The birth control issue is a tough one for me. I grew up feeling rather adamant about it – the pill was a gift to women! I made fun of women that pursued NFP. (My then joke: What do you call a woman who practices NFP? Mama! Har har har.) I was on Depo Provera (the shot) for about two years and then switched to the pill. I also suffered miscarriages (as you know) afterwards. I don’t know that there is a link my case but it did make me think. My initial reasons for going off of the pill were more related to wanting a natural lifestyle choice. The chemicals and antibiotics, long term effects being unknown etc. were all factors. I read the book mentioned above (TCOYF) and found it very helpful. Now I have the bigger questions looming ahead of me – around faith, trusting God, trusting one’s body, being open to life instead of closed to it etc. And I don’t know that I have an answer yet. I feel sometimes like in these things I know what my “ideal” is or what I want it to be but I don’t have the faith to take that step and so I make decisions based on my own reality. We will be facing these decisions again after Tiny #3. I’ve been pregnant or nursing for years now (while being open to life as well) and so we’ll see. Brian would prefer to get “snipped” himself so that I dont have to be on the pill again but I’m not quite ready to saw we’re “done done” yet. (And this might be the most rambling comment EVER….)
I’m glad you tweeted about this-how did I miss it when you first posted??? Must have been the week I was sick or something!
Anyway, this is a subject that I’m somewhat passionate about. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it before, but I was an evangelical Protestant for like 22 years before I converted to Catholicism. And I had never even heard of Natural Family Planning until my husband told me about it (back when he was just my boyfriend!) I certainly didn’t know that it has a higher than 99% efficacy in studies and that when combined with “ecological breastfeeding’ provides natural child spacing of about 2 years or more in most families! It really makes me angry that it’s not at least presented as a viable option to Protestants (and non-Christians!), even if people want to argue that other methods like the pill should be options too.
Anyway, I love Natural Family Planning-we do the “symptothermal method” which means we chart temperatures and observe cervical mucus changes too. Before my husband told me about NFP and I read about it, I thought there was something wrong with me every month, like a yeast infection or something! And was so confused when it always went away on its own. Turns out it just meant that my natural God-given fertility was working correctly. Lol.
My two best posts I’ve written on NFP are this one for the Natural Parent’s Network: “Natural Family Planning: the Basics” http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/natural-family-planning-the-basics/
and this one on my own blog, “Why I’m Mad about My Sex Education”
http://mamanadroit.blogspot.com/2010/03/why-i-mad-about-my-sex-education.html
I mention several resources in those posts; my favorite is probably http://www.NFPandmore.org but they are VERY Catholic, so please if you read it, don’t be turned off based on their theology.
And I’d be happy anytime to answer questions or chat with you about my personal experiences with NFP or anything like that-just e-mail me or Tweet me, or maybe I’ll even get to see you in person sometime on your journeys. :)
I’ve never been on the pill and never will. I’m Catholic, so really the only option is NFP. Even if I wasn’t Catholic I don’t think I would ever want to be on the pill. I don’t like hormones in my body that aren’t supposed to be there.
There are lots of different methods of NFP: Creighton, Sympto-Thermal, Billings, Marquette, and maybe some others. Sympto-Thermal requires you take your temperature every morning at the same time. At this point that isn’t quite feasible for me, since you are really supposed to take it after a long stretch of sleep, and most nights I don’t have that due to two waking children. Plus the beeping of the thermometer would wake the babies. So for now I kind of wing it with mucous observations (which is more Creighton).
Every kind of birth control can fail (even vasectomies). If you are diligent and have a relatively regular cycle (although with Creighton, you can have irregular cycles and make it work), then NFP is just as good as anything else. There are plenty of people who have gotten pregnant on the pill.
I think the more we learn, the more people will stop taking the pill and turn towards more natural means, especially as more and more people want to do everything natural.
Wow, I am SO late to this conversation (obviously). But I found this post and wanted to comment with my own post: http://www.lauraziesel.com/2011/07/birth-control-fertility-and-sovereignty.html
I talk about the difference between NFP and the Fertility Awareness Method (FAM). There is a difference, so it is important to make sure we’re using the terms correctly. In short, people who use NFP do not consider it okay to use other forms of birth control (condoms) when fertile. FAM allows for sex during the fertile time of the month using these alternatives. NFP only accepts abstinence or taking the chance at conceiving.
Another commenter may have clarified. I must admit that I did not read all 94 comments. But I wanted to make sure the difference was clear. If you take an NFP class, you will not be told how to use barrier methods during your fertile time of the month. Some people choose not to use them, but I just want people to go in knowing that there is a big difference.
I have many more thoughts on the subject, but most of them are in the blog. Thanks for keeping the conversation going.