People often ask about my favorite parenting books.
It’s a fair question, particularly because I am a prolific reader. If you were to peek into my childhood, you would see a girl with a worn-out library card, binders of favorite poems, and a certificate for winning 3rd place in the spelling bee.
Even now, I choose books over television ten times out of ten (In fact, our family doesn’t own a TV). Because I read at an above-average speed, I go through books at a tremendous rate.
Despite this, I can’t name a single “parenting” book that I would highly recommend. Not a one.
Most parenting books take a tactical approach. Say these magic words. Implement this routine. Set up this procedure. And your kids will surely be obedient and successful.
But these promises are deceptive. I’m afraid that it’s much more difficult than that. Raising children requires that we raise OURSELVES…to higher standards.
Although parenting books are not necessarily a poor investment of time, they tend to neglect the most important thing. Parenting is not, by and large, about “discipline” or schedules or self-esteem or “love & logic.” The painful, honest truth is that it’s about example.
Our kids see us with brilliant clarity. Do we gossip about our coworkers? Do we extend grace when mistakes are made? Do we pray? Are we sarcastic? Are we wise with our money? Do we – ahem – say “please” and “thank you” and “I’m sorry”? Do we exercise with regularity? Are we good listeners? Are we thankful? Do we consume media that is intelligent and pure? Do we yell when we should be gentle? Do we whisper when we should speak loudly with conviction?
As Ann Voskamp wrote so eloquently, “The parent must always self-parent first, self-preach before child-teach, because who can bring peace unless they’ve held their own peace?“
This truth is both terrifying and liberating: Who I am striving to BE is who they will BECOME.
In light of this realization:
- I work to develop my character – to cut out bad habits, to implement good practices.
- I gather wisdom from unexpected places like Stafford’s Too Small To Ignore and classic works of fiction and stories from other fathers & mothers.
- I pray - not as much as I ought to - but daily, desperately.
- I cling to the Words that have the power to heal and transform.
And when I fail, I get up again. Because I know they are watching it all.
exceptional. especially since I have had a rough couple weeks with the kids. the one reason I do like parenting books, is that they often give ideas (especially since there are few people who parent the way we do in our area) for a tired and creative-less mama. the reason I hate them, is the same as you… whenever I use the formula they recommend, it doesn’t always work! what the heck?!?! :)
You make a lot of good points, although I have to say that I have found a lot of help in parenting books. But I also think they can be harmful, if the advice is not practiced with wisdom and discernment. Thanks for the food for thought.
I tried to read parenting books at one time because I thought I was supposed to….because I was surrounded by people who would quote Dr So-and-So or This Method or That Method and I had no idea what they were talking about. I discovered when I pled ignorance, one or two would look at me and say Well then how do you know what to do if you are not following a method? I never had a good answer until now….I am a better Mum, we are better parents, because take deep breaths and appreciate what we we have…and one another. We love with all our might. We listen to our instincts, to our intuition and to one another…..and we listen to our daughter…..sometimes I think people forget to listen to their child(ren)….I truly believe if you just slow down and listen, they will give you the answers you need on how best to be THEIR parent
Thank you for sharing…especially The Words because sometimes, we all need a reminder and sometimes, we just need a boost!
NOT that I am saying it’s for everyone, but have you ever read anything by John Rosemond? What I like about his books is he isn’t offering a “step-by-step” or necessarily “rules” process of parenting, but he talks a LOT about getting back to basics like our grandparents used to, and ALSO about how parents often neglect to develop THEMSELVES as people, which is a mistake because kids are looking to us as examples. This post and your list of how you’re developing yourself as a parent reminded me of some key concepts of his philosophy, so I thought I’d mention him.
I agree very strongly with your statements about leading our children by our example, and not by some prescribed method…
Which book by Rosemond did you appreciate the most? I may add your top pick to my library list.
well… I liked Parenting By The Book for its overview of his thinking and very easy/accessible readability. A Family of Value goes more in depth, a little more detail but repeats a lot of the same ideas & illustrations. I have read his syndicaed columns for several years, and I believe he also compiled the best of these into a book but forget the title off-hand. There are other books of his that I have read parts of but don’t own so I never got to finish… I wouldn’t say he is “attachment parenting” but he is not so concerned about whether mothers babywear/breastfeed/cosleep – instead he focuses on having a consistent approach that sets a good example.
I couldn’t agree more. I found out parenting books weren’t for me when I was pregnant with my first and a nurse told me NOT to read “What To Expect When You’re Expecting.” She said it would drive me crazy with paranoia. She was right! They seem to be one-size-fits-all approaches and the procedures never fit within a realistic long-term routine. Things work better when I trust my gut. Sometimes I get it right, sometimes I get it wrong. But I’m always learning. And when I’m at a loss I talk to my mom and/or friends for other ideas and reassurance like mothers have been doing for centuries.
Great post, Stephanie! And thanks for the reminder that little eyes are always watching me.
I agree with your synopsis of “What To Expect When You’re Expecting.” Same goes with “Your Pregnancy Week by Week” (actually, that one’s even worse, if I recall). Each week lists all kinds of potential problems – illnesses, symptoms, side effects – most of which are quite rare.
Although I still peek in on the websites from time-to-time to see how my baby is growing (so fascinating!), I tend to skip over the bulk of the content.
This is a really intriguing concept. I think it’s interesting to note that most self-help, parenting and business titles seem to hark on the same themes. Treat people with respect and act with integrity. Listen to what they have to say and let your heart guide you. Human logic applies to child-rearing, too!
One more thing…
I forgot to add that I do love text-book-style books on child development! I find it gives me insight to where my child is at. I’ve had a lot of ah-ha moments reading those types of books.
I can see how those kind of objective texts could be useful and interesting. Do you have a favorite?
Have you read Wonder Weeks? I’ve found that very helpful for developmental stuff. http://www.thewonderweeks.com/
So my friend, along with your children’s book…maybe you must write a REVOLUTIONARY type of parenting book geared at becoming better people not raising better children, per say….???
I’d read it!
{HUGS}
I completely agree with you. After attempting a particular popular book on baby routines, especially when it comes to their sleep patterns with my first child, I quickly realized that it was very difficult to implement. Each child is different and might have different needs. I did not want to follow some strict guideline, so I just let her sleep as needed and within a few weeks she was on a naturally perfect routine. I don’t think it’s good to force anything. Children do learn tremendously by watching you. It’s better to command leadership, respect, and love with your presence and example , rather than making demands. Great post!
I love this! I wish I would have read this post before I had my first. It would have saved me a lot of time in reading books that really didn’t provide value. I am a very academic person, and I am used to having a ton of resources for research; however, that doesn’t really apply to raising children. Each parent comes to parenting with his/her own experiences, values, and personality, just as each child has his/her own personality. No book could ever apply to every parent/child relationship. It was a leap of faith for me to rely on God, my husband, and myself instead of relying on books.
PS – Your post linked to your review of the book “Discipline without Distress.” Your review made it seem you liked the book. Do you mind sharing what turned you off to the book?
I, too, am a researcher and value academia. When a new situation arises in my life, I will often turn to books and statistics and science. Even in parenting-related predicaments (stuffy noses, breastfeeding, multivitamins, etc), I like to arm myself with knowledge.
That being said, I also acknowledge that parenting involves humans. We simply can’t squeeze ourselves or our individual children into statistics. Far better is it to use education as a resource…as we follow our hearts and the example of Jesus.
RE: “Discipline without Distress.” I found it to be a book refreshingly void of authoritarian ideals. Instead, the book emphasized gentleness and empathy. If I recall correctly, it was more a long list of ideas than an actual prescribed method. I agreed with some of the author’s suggestions; disagreed with others. There were some helpful insights to be sure, but it wasn’t necessarily revolutionary either (not that I expected it to be). ;)
I have a hard time with parenting books – I just can’t “get into” them – I think a lot of it is because I know that some mass-published formula is not the answer for everyone and so I come at the book with a bit of a skeptical mind. I have been very slowly reading “Bringing Up Boys” by Dr. James Dobson and I’m enjoying it and hope to read his “Bringing Up Girls” book as well. What I do find helpful is the insight, or the “ah ha” moments that can be gained by seeing something from a different perspective. Something I’m finding a bit of in my current reading.
To Small to Ignore is definitely a book worth reading – I can’t tell you how much I appreciated the wisdom in that book.
To think about fiction books – when I think of parenting examples to stay away from the classic Elsie Dinsmore series comes to mind. I have a niece who loves the books but the first one made my heart hurt so much that I had a hard time finishing the story and the subsequent stories have been better – but they are still not books I desire to go back to again. I’m sure my daughter will read them at some point and I’ll go back to them then! I love being able to talk about what they are reading with my nieces, nephews, Sunday School kids and my own children. So I read several children’s books in a year – fortunately I’ve got a 14 year old niece now so we’re getting into some deeper stuff now!
Good point! I often “learn in reverse” from books…how not to parent. I find this to be especially true when I read biographies of people from our grandparents’ generation.
“Values are caught not taught” is one of my favorite quotes when I think about parenting – and it terrifies me sometimes because I know they are watching me and learning more from how I live than what I say. We try to live like we want them to live, and, as I’ve done this I’ve grown and been more challenged in my beliefs than ever before. One book I love is called Relational Parenting by Ross Campbell. Have you read it before? I don’t remember if it’s a “do this and you’ll have that kind of child” type of book or not though.
I haven’t read that one. Thanks for mentioning it.
I definitely agree as I think too much emphasis is put on certain parenting books being “God” and providing all the answers. However, I will also say that I have learned lots of nuggets of wisdom from many different books along the way (I too am an avid reader). I just refuse to allow one book be my parenting bible! :)
The new book “Loving the Little Years” by Rachel Jankovic, I thought was aMAZing – it blew all other parenting books I’ve ever read out of the water. Some of the major ways it was different from all others were that it focused on loving your kids, giving sacrificially of yourself, and stopping yourself short in sins that we parents are prone too (boy did she nail those on the head! conviction!) If you haven’t ready that one, I’d totally recommend it, and would love to hear what you think of it.
Thank you for the recommendation! I just added it to my library list and will try to read it this year.
P.S. Congratulations on baby #4. So very happy for you.
this is really great, Stephanie. Seriously…good job!
I love this. I have found good pointers in parenting books, but no on style or method seems like something that should be followed exclusively. I do love Give Them Grace by Elise Fitzpatrick.
But I agree with what you said about how they pick things up from us and had such a great reminder of that last night. I’ve wanted my 10 year old daughter to develop a quiet time but wasn’t quite sure how to push her in that direction. We give her 15 minutes at night before lights out to read her Bible and pray but I wasn’t sure she was really doing that.
About 2 weeks ago, she came in my room when I was having my quiet time and noticed that I was writing in a journal. I invited her on to my bed with me and had her read the scripture I had written in my journal. I didn’t think too much of it at the time. She was in a fussy mood that night so it didn’t seem like she really got anything out of it. Then last night, she is about to go bed and tells me to look in a notebook….she started journaling! She had written out a verse and some sort of note about the scripture each day. Then she said “I saw you writing in your journal and figured I could do that to.” What a blessing that was and to know that she saw me doing that and wanted to do it too was just awesome.
What a wonderful example. Thanks for sharing that story, Jeanne.
I wish I would’ve had this post when I had our first child. I had so much advice coming at me from other moms, parents, grandparents…book suggestions etc. I bought several books…read them, TRIED to follow them. Now, 8 years later looking back….the best advice given to me was to,”do what works best for our family”.
When you say,”The painful, honest truth is that it’s about example.” I couldn’t agree more with you. We teach our children to “lead by example” and they remind us everyday to do the same. I guess you could call it our family’s motto. And let me tell you…when I am doing something that is not so…um…worthy of following…my kiddo’s are first to point it out:)
Thanks so much for sharing this post! There is so much wisdom in it. And it was interesting for me to read it right now, because I’ve been thinking a lot about the example I set for my kids, as well as how to be the parent I want to be. My husband has been gone for three weeks on a missions trip, and my patience with our girls has worn pretty thin at times. I was getting so frustrated with myself for not being more gentle, loving, and patient, and kept trying to do better, but still failing miserably.
But then it hit me – I was only paying attention to the end result (my impatient parenting), rather than the process of becoming the parent God wants me to be. I want to focus on Him, all day long, and I’m guessing that as I grow to be more like Him, I will become more gentle, loving, patient, etc. And that, in turn, will flow to my kids, exactly as you say.
Ann Voskamp’s words you quoted have been stuck in my mind, as well! I so agree.
Same here. Can’t think of one I really like. I did hear that Mayim Bialik is coming out with an “attachment parenting for when the kids grow up” type of book that I’m interested in.
Steph
Fascinating. Do you have any more information on the book?
This was very encouraging. God has not given us children yet, but after just finishing the book”Captivating” God encouraged me & reminded me that he has made all of us women to be mothers – whether we have children of our “own” or not. As I spend as much time possible with my nieces, your words were a gentle and encouraging reminder that I get to “mother” them mainly through my actions. I can be the type of woman I desparately want them to grow up and be… and they will see, remember, and follow. Maybe not as much as their actual mother, but they are still watching me!
It’s so important for young girls to have mentors like you – who love God, love others, stay fit, and pursue their ambitions with gusto & grace.
Thanks for commenting and, more importantly, for striving to live a life like that.
I like it, Stephanie! this is the same parenting my mom gives, too.
Although, I am not sure I would go so far as to say who I am striving to be, my kids will become, since they are their own little persons.
there are parenting books that I have learned good things from & been encouraged by, etc. But you are right it is hard to highly recommend any. How about Sarah Bessey’s future the practices of motherhood? :)
Loving the Little Years, which was mentioned in the comments as a high recommendation has fabulous encouragement & conviction in it. But there are negatives, too. I’d love to chat with you about it, if you read it. I found one thing in there particularly troubling & often wonder if I should write the author about it. In my circle of friends, I know many people who hold her in very high esteem. Let me know if you read it. :)
I agree that each child is an individual with unique personality traits, interests, and ideas. That said, I also strongly believe that our children follow in our footsteps.
I am beginning to see this more and more as I examine who I am as an adult…and then look back at my childhood. My mom was ALWAYS reading (and now I do the same). My mom birthed at home and believed in the power of her body (as do I). Etc. I am not my mother and I have made many different choices, but her influence on my life is overwhelming and undeniable.
Oh, and I LOVE Sarah’s parenting posts! Very inspiring and authentic.
P.S. “Loving the Little Years” is on my book list. I’ll let you know when I eventually get my hands on a copy.
I really enjoyed your post. It is so true. I often feel like I fail miserably. I do tend to read a lot of non-fiction books on child education and being a mother. Have you read any books by Sally Clarkson? They also wrote a really great book on homeschooling (i don’t homeschool but gained a lot of insight from the book) called Educating the Wholehearted Child.
I picked up a copy of “The Ministry of Motherhood” at my local library and I (sheepishly) admit that I was a little bored by it. I wasn’t opposed to the content; I just couldn’t get into the writing.
That said, I know plenty of mothers have thoroughly enjoyed her work – including the famed & fabulous Sarah Bessey of Emerging Mummy.
I’m sorry you haven’t found good parenting books yet and would recommend several. I have read some FABULOUS parenting books that totally get to the heart of what you are talking about…modeling it.
Legacy Path by Brian Haynes
Say Goodbye to Whining, Compaining, & Arguing in You and Your Kids by Scott Turansky & Joann Miller
Growing Grateful Kids by Susie Larson
…to name a few.
These books get past behavior modification (although that’s a byproduct) to reaching the heart of your child.
Thank you for a beautiful article. I agree with you. Parenting books tend to over-simplify. Something worked for that family – great. It doesn’t always. My husband and I are often confounded by the fact that our boys are being raised by the same two of us, with the same gene pool, and are worlds apart. What works for one doesn’t work for the other. Being attentive to my own kids, learning from them, learning with them, reminding myself of the things we are working toward together – this is what works for me. And keeping calm. Easier said than done – but that’s the goal.
Great piece – thanks again!
Extremely well said. :)
I marked that quote by Ann as well. Tough stuff!
Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting by Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn was the first parenting book I found worth the read and not paranoia-inducing.