No. Never. — Maybe.

That summer in Bangladesh? I chose that specific project, from a missions catalog that came in the mail. There were other trips, to more glamorous places: England or France or New Zealand.

That year in the RV? We chose it – to give up our jobs, our health insurance, our upscale grocer, the comforts of security and routine.

Those kind of choices don’t really make sense. They’re hard to explain. (Some people shake their heads). (Some people are even a little bit angry). Why not spend your high school summers lifeguarding and singing along with the radio? Why not stay on a safe career track with retirement plans?

It’s the same reason why runners will sign up for marathons. In the moment, it is pure agony. At intervals, you feel defeated, unable to put one foot in front of the other. Afraid. Your mind must fight for courage, your lungs must force another breath. But the end result is humbling, glorious, powerful. You learn you can do it. Those miles of misery are overshadowed by triumph. Even as you nurse your wounds, you look around at the other runners, a shared sense of camaraderie and pride at being brave enough to take the challenge.

In the middle of difficult seasons, we shout: “I never ever ever want to go through this again.”

But then you realize that “hard” is a good teacher. That If you take big risks, there are also big gains. It’s good to step out into the unknown, into the arena of dreams and possibilities. You push your brain, mind, and body to new limits – and then realize you can go still further.

Most of all, it is beneficial to experience suffering so that we can feel compassion. As others hurt, we understand the pain of sacrifice. We dare not judge, but instead lift a hand of mercy as others falter on the course.

be kind for everyone you meet is fighting No. Never.     Maybe.

Will I ever step back on Bengali soil? Will we ever do another RV experiment? Perhaps not. (I sort of hope not). But maybe we will – and there’s a part of me that looks forward to that. Because I know that, with God’s help, we can do most anything.

THIS IS PART 3 of a 3-PART SERIES. Read Part I and Part II

the fall of 11

It is the fall of 2011. I am 29 and our family has just spent the last year in an RV, traveling the country to give to others.

give every day family the fall of 11

Every morning, I wake up and blink, half-uncertain where we are. Sometimes in a Walmart parking lot; sometimes at a campground. Squished in between two tiny girls (a preschooler and a toddler), I wake up to take a fast shower before the warm water runs out.

We pile into the truck and go places to serve. The girls hold our hands at veteran’s hospitals, food banks, and crumbling neighborhoods. Old women with wrinkled cheeks and missing teeth laugh the smoker’s laugh and bless us.

We play at parks where our white faces stand out. We pray with people in dirty downtowns and around campfires. We don’t buy a single piece of clothing the entire year. We understand anew what it means to give until it hurts, not just figuratively, but financially and emotionally.

Every small kindness by strangers and friends along the way is tucked away into our hearts. Although we have incredible travel experiences, we are very alone.

A long-distance friend emails to ask, “Would you do it all over again?” I feel guilty about how quickly the answer forms in my heart, “No. Never. (At least not in the same way).

When we finally return to our house in safe suburbia, I sit on the tile and almost cry from the sheer joy of having an ice maker and bedrooms and a house with actual walls.

* My husband and I spent 2011 traveling the country in an RV with our two little girls (then, 1 and 4). We volunteered for 150 days and interviewed over 40 non-profit executive directors.

THIS IS PART 2 OF A 3-PART SERIES. Read Part I and Part III.

the summer of 97

It is the summer of 1997. I am 15 and have just spent the last month in a small village in Bangladesh.

bangladesh 1997 the summer of 97

Every morning, I wake up on a thin mattress on the bottom bunk, surrounded by mosquito netting. I shake out my boots, frogs flying everywhere, and grab a roll of toilet paper – running for the squatie in the half-dark, hoping I can make it there in time. Although we eat mostly canned foods and pump our water by hand, everyone is plagued by diahhrea.

We march to our work site, carrying tools and water canteens. Our task is to build a school for children – walls of bamboo, a roof of wood. The children are gaunt, but beautiful – their tortured eyes terrify me.

We take malaria pills and drink grape koolaid with dehydration tablets (it tastes so bad I throw up half of it).

On days of luxury, we take timed showers two-by-two in bamboo rectangles, cold water but we don’t care. We wash our laundry in paint buckets with powdered soap and then hang it to dry – our clothes are hard and starchy by the sun.

Five times a day, the loudspeaker calls out the obligatory prayers of Salah. Sometimes, the sound wakes me in my sleep; I am frozen. The sound of anti-freedom.

Mail call is my favorite time of day (either that or when the rains come). Every letter that I receive from home, I read at least fifty times, reminding me of a different place.

On one of our last weeks there, my friend Lauren leans on her shovel, “Do you think you’ll ever want to come back here?” I feel guilty about how quickly the words form on my lips, “No. Never.”

At the JFK terminal, I cry from sheer joy when I see the American flag. I buy a bagel and a bottle of cranberry juice.

* I spent the summer of 1997 with 20+ teens and 5 leaders on a short-term project with Teen Missions International.

THIS IS PART 1 OF A 3-PART SERIES. Read Part II and Part III

I’m 30 now (thank you for remembering)

The girls sang “Happy Birthday” to me for four days straight.

Liv colored a dozen pictures and kept announcing, “It’s a present – FOR YOU!”

Kayla insisted that I receive flowers – lime and purple and cherry red.

flowers for my birthday Im 30 now (thank you for remembering) a single carnation Im 30 now (thank you for remembering) birthday bouquet Im 30 now (thank you for remembering)

Tim did the remarkable things he does every day. He did laundry. Loaded the dishwasher. Scratched the girls back in the middle of the night. Talked to me about dreams. Loved me with a crystal love that is rare among men.

My parents brought over a round chocolate cake and a card to their “curly-haired girl.”

Kristen sent me a handwritten letter on beautiful bird-themed stationary. I could almost hear her voice through the cursive. (Miss you).

bird note card Im 30 now (thank you for remembering) cursive card Im 30 now (thank you for remembering)

Three of my favorite friends – Darcie, Nicole, and Dayna – planned a quiet celebration (the best kind). Darcie hosted at her house and served a 4-course meal that easily beat any restaurant in town. (No, seriously).

darcie nicole dayna Im 30 now (thank you for remembering)

It’s nice to be remembered, isn’t it? 

(Thank you to my family + friends).

(I’m thirty and it feels just fine).

10 years

You charmed me with your green eyes in 1998. I still remember the way you caught my elbow with your hand as I walked to your car that night. “Stealing my keys, stealing my heart,” your voice pounded in my blood.

You were my first kiss. My first everything. We grew up together – you & I.

High school plays and soccer games, $1 pasta dinners in college, changing careers, and then tiny feet in our hallway.

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

wedding night 2002 10 years

Jan 4, 2002

2002 10 years

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2004 10 years

2004

2005 10 years

2005

2006 10 years

2006

2007 10 years

2007

2008 10 years

2008

2009 10 years

2009

2010 10 years

2010

2011 10 years

2011

I love you – then, now, and always.

2012*

Every morning in 2012, I’m going to wake up with the thought that something wonderful is about to happen.

The best thing about that pledge is that something wonderful always will – because I’m surrounded by the best people ever. [Hint: My Family].

another year lots of new dreams 2012*

These are my hopes + dreams for 2012 and beyond – NOT in order of importance or urgency.  Some are frivolous; some are fantastic. Some are attainable this year; others may take a bit longer. ALL are do-able.

There are 60 bullets on my list - I’m sure I’m forgetting quite a bit.

1. Own the perfect cocktail dress.

2. Write a children’s book.

3. Be invited to the White House.

4. Visit London.

5. Also: Paris.

6. Own a house with a front porch.

7. Run in a Disney 1/2 marathon.

8. Learn to ballroom dance with Tim.

9. Memorize one song for karaoke (and be confident enough to sing it).

10. Hire a personal trainer.

11. Make a million.

12. Be mentored.

13. Mentor someone.

14. Learn how to speak a second language reasonably well.

15. Take a firearms class.

16. Learn to play one song on the guitar.

17. Serve on the board or become a spokesperson for a cause I admire.

18. Be mortgage-less.

19. Have professional head shots taken.

20. Design my own house – from the floor up.

21. Try a stand-up desk.

22. Be best friends with my kids – now and in adulthood.

23. See Bryce Canyon and Zion National Park in Utah.

24. Grow a garden with snap peas, zucchini, and basil (for starters).

25. Get an e-reader.

26. Be published in The New York Times.

27. Decorate my house exactly the way I want it – without regard to the cost.

28. Take a 1 or 2-day photography workshop from a photographer I admire.

29. Teach a college course.

30. Take a survival skills course.

31. Have a super cute swimsuit that I am proud to wear.

32. Straighten my teeth with Invisalign.

33. Obtain better eyesight with LASIK (if I’m not too scared).

34. Have a backyard with a porch swing, a fire pit, comfy seating, a place to eat, and plenty of room to play.

35. Flat stomach.

36. Figure out how to create/invent and sell a product.

37. Collaborate with a university to research something important.

38. Always have enough money to buy good shoes (for my kids too).

39. Run in a race with my daughters.

40. Post a HUGE wall calendar to keep track of birthdays of family & friends.

41. Create and maintain a well-stocked gift closet. Give generously and often.

42. Re-learn CPR.

43. Enroll in a one-on-one class on how to apply make-up.

44. Provide consulting to developers of master-planned communities, shopping centers, cities.

45. Put some of my favorite quotes up around the house – maybe on stretched canvas.

46. Re-create the hyper-organized craft closet I had before we left town.

47. Be a leader in Tucson. Help shape the vision. Make it an even better place to live.

48. Volunteer as a family.

49. Hike to the bottom of the Grand Canyon with Tim.

50. Read a book a week.

51. Start-up more websites and businesses with Tim. *Top Secret*

52. Figure out what “church” looks like for our family.

53. Record 1,000 things I’m thankful for.

54. Finally find the perfect facial moisturizer – one that isn’t full of scary chemicals.

55. Switch to homemade bar soap.

56. Advocate for education and literacy.

57. Explore more of Canada.

58. Get my doctorate (or at least an honorary doctorate).

59. Own an impressive children’s book collection. At least 500books. Only the best.

60. Give birth to baby #3 – peacefully.

What are your hopes and dreams for 2012? Let me hear ‘em. Outrageous or Ordinary. GO.

December 25, 2011

We SANG “Away in a Manger” and “O Holy Night.”

We READ the story – of wonder and mystery.

We ATE cinnamon rolls, eggs, berries, cherries, and oranges.

We OPENED gifts, but didn’t go too commercial (as Charlie Brown would say).

Most of all, we were – we are – GRATEFUL.

christmas 2011 December 25, 2011 reading the christmas story December 25, 2011

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

What did you sing, read, eat, open, and/or do?