“When I grow up and am a mommy, can I come to your house every, every day for my whole life?” – Kayla, age 5
Yes, my sweet girls, YES.
you can’t buy happiness at Target
January 17, 2012 By 26 Comments
her signature pose - hand on the hips
She stands in the 3am light in the doorway of our master bedroom, one hand on her tiny hip. Pink monkey pajama pants. Sweetest of 2-year-old voices, “I need to go potty.”
I take her to the bathroom. We are both quiet, too tired to speak. Afterward, Tim opens his arms and she snuggles in, grateful, not wanting to go back to the room across the house.
Five minutes later, her older sister appears. Five years old, with gangly limbs and extra-long eyelashes, she prefers to be squished in bed with all of us than have a mattress to herself.
Tim says, “Oh, fine. Come on in.” I giggle softly from my side – and the girls do too, before slipping off to slumber.
All four of us – no, wait, five of us – on a queen size bed.
Yesterday, Tim said, “Sometimes I think about downsizing. We only use two rooms in our house anyway.” Mmmm. I murmur in agreement. I know he’s not joking. Neither am I.
We have less stuff than ever, but we are slowing re-discovering what happiness looks like. And it’s certainly not found in Target.
dear kayla and liv, you are my music
December 28, 2011 By 13 Comments
Music is, in many ways, a foreign language. It takes skill and practice to learn it – to dream it, to feel the tones and rhythms in your blood.
I never took instrument or voice lessons as a child. Even so, my childhood was not without music. I heard the leaves rustling, the birds twittering, the classical greats as I leapt across dance floors, the pounding of my heart at soccer games, and the sweet soprano of my mom’s voice as she strummed her guitar.
I don’t know what the future holds for my little girls – if they will embrace singing or art or science or rock-climbing. But I do know I want to open doors so that they can see the possibilities. To give them the chance to try.
To look inside themselves and see what music they find there.
Hohner Kids recently sent us their beautiful My First Acoustic Guitar (~$50) and a Hand Drum (~$10). The guitar is adorably-sized – perfect for little fingers (ages 4+). It’s a miniature version of the real thing. The drum is super fun too – with nice tones for exploring and creating music.
* Hohner Kids also offers a variety of other musical instruments: cymbals, accordions, maracas, harmonicas, etc.
3 reasons absence does NOT make the heart grow fonder
June 5, 2011 By 44 Comments
I’ve always balked at the notion that “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” I won’t deny that it’s a very romantic thought – as we are apart from our loved ones, we draw even closer still.
In my experience, however, the opposite is actually true. Here’s why:
Relationships are built on memories. Remember the time we spontaneously splashed in the rain puddles, ate peanut butter and jellies in the back of that blue pick-up truck, hatched a plan to surprise a friend with an awesome day out, and watched that ridiculous musical and belted out the tunes afterward? No? Well, THAT is the stuff of relationships. Without common experiences, we quickly lose sight of each other.
Relationships are built on touch. Online interactions and telephone calls can accentuate existing relationships, bringing people together as we hear each other’s voices, opinions, and stories. But people too often underestimate the power of touch in our lives. Hugs, squeezes, kisses, passing brushes…all ignite the soul and unite us.
Relationships are built on time. Research has shown time and again that we grow in similarity to the people we spend the most time with. We pick up on hobbies, gestures, words, and ways of living. If we are around people who are overweight, there’s a good chance we will be overweight. If we spend time with colleagues who curse, we are more likely to curse. If we are around people who appreciate music, we will begin to do the same. This creates intimacy – whether or not we actively choose it.
As our family treks across the country in a very small space, we are often astounded by the simple truth that – the more we spend time together, the more we WANT to spend time together. We know each other in a safe and content way. Living side-by-side is like breathing. In-out. In-out. [This is not to say that we don't have moments when we need SPACE, but...it's usually nothing that a 20-minute walk/run can't cure].
Have you ever noticed that it’s harder to connect with your spouse after he/she has been away on a business trip or has been deployed? Or perhaps your child comes home from camp or a long day at school or an extended time away? At first, you are delirious with joy and expectation…but then you end up fighting or “needing space” again by the end of the day.
If you feel yourself growing distant from your spouse, your children, or a good friend, may I posit that a solution may be to spend MORE time together? Not less. Time is a great healer of relationships.
Do you agree?
Miss Independent
February 13, 2011 By 34 Comments
I am fairly certain that every mother goes through a quiet wrestling of spirit shortly after she has her firstborn baby.
She feels the trifecta of terror, bliss, and exhaustion. She hears the buzzing voices of relatives, coworkers, friends, and “experts” – telling her what she should BE and DO as a mother. But, ever so slowly, she learns to listen to that tiny whisper in her own heart.
As quite a surprise to me, I started to parent my babies like this: breastfeeding, cosleeping, babywearing, nighttime parenting, and gentle discipline. (Some people might refer to this style as “Attachment Parenting,” but I rarely label it. Because I don’t want it to sound like: “WE do this and THEY do that.”).
Part of what felt best to Tim & I was keeping our babies always with us (as in, not leaving them at all in the 1st year…with anyone). It’s not like it was a “rule.” We just never wanted to – and that was that. In fact – until very recently, we never left either of our girls with anyone except grandparents.
But, at age four, our oldest daughter is blossoming into a “bona fide kid.” She is exceptionally independent.
As in…
- we’ll go to a play and she’ll go to the crowded front row by herself to get a better view.
- we’ll go to a brand new church where she doesn’t know a soul and she’ll wave us good-bye without a bit of trepidation.
- we’ll meet a stranger and she’ll clearly say her name, without hiding behind my leg or sleeve (she actually told me to not say it “for her.”).
I used to sometimes wonder – Would I EVER not breastfeed her? Would I ever sleep through the night again? Would I always be changing diapers? Would she always cling tightly to me in new situations?
But now – glory be – she goes to the bathroom (and helps her sister go to the bathroom). She can get a snack and carry on a conversation and pour herself a glass of water. She laughs at jokes, puts on her shoes, and scampers off to play with friends. She takes showers, turns on lights, and goes to bed all by herself (where she sleeps the entire night).
She is capable and compassionate, strong-willed and sweet, lively and loving.
People told us a lot of things when we had our firstborn baby. They said it would spoil my baby to hold her too much. They said we needed to “teach” our baby independence by leaving her in a nursery. They said to have regular date nights away from the baby – or our marriage would suffer. They said cosleeping would hurt our sex life. The said if I breastfed my baby to “sleep,” she’d never learn to “self-soothe.” They said that it would be hard to transition our baby to her own room if we co-slept (it was a piece of cake, by the way). In reality, none of those things were true for us.
I think I’m writing this to say two things to anyone out there who is a new mom: (A) It gets easier and (B) it’s okay to swim against the current of conventional parenting advice – if you want to, of course.
Take a deep breath, mama. You are doing just fine.
motherhood is like running
December 14, 2010 By
Tim took this picture of me before a run – no make-up, hair in a ponytail. I put one leg up against the wall.
My 4-year-old said, “I can do that too.” So she did.
She often tells me that when she grows up to be a “b-dult” (“UH-dult,” I enunciate) she is going to run in races…and beat me. I bet she will. She is FAST.
Motherhood is a lot like running. It’s exhausting. It’s exhilarating.
Also? It looks much easier than it actually is.
P.S. If you click on the word “looks,” you’ll see a tiny video clip of our family on one of our runs.
* Comments are closed. Please leave a comment on yesterday’s post about running instead. Your comments mean so much.
What Discipline Looks Like (in a non-spanking family)
December 11, 2010 By 18 Comments
Tim and I rarely use the word “discipline” when we talk about parenting.
Don’t get us wrong, we’re not the kind of parents who just let our kids run amuck, but…
We don’t desire “quaking instant obedience or marionettes of fear.” We want our children to be kind-hearted question-askers who love God and love others.
We want them to know the God we know – not a towering shadow of wrath, but a good and generous spirit who brings children near.
In our family, DISCIPLINE IS…
- gently showing the how and the why of common courtesies.
- extending grace, more grace than we offer to our friends (or ourselves).
- finding creative ways to solve problems.
- listening well and not minding questions.
- holding a child close when you want to push them away the farthest.
- giving specific encouragement in frequent doses, often publicly.
- having conversations in private about things to work on.
- nudging in the right direction, with warmth and confidence.
- spending quantity time making memories.
- saying no and explaining why.
But most of all? Discipline is BEING the kind of person I want my kids to be.
And…saying sorry when I fall short.
